


imagine.

by bonnieanonnie



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Cinderella AU, Costume Parties & Masquerades, Fluff, M/M, brief descriptions of abuse, i have been informed this is in fact angst, lapslock, rated t for some heavy themes but it's mostly fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2019-11-15 05:28:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 35,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18067463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonnieanonnie/pseuds/bonnieanonnie
Summary: he hadn’t told any of his friends about what had happened. how could he? he’d sound ridiculous.i was rescued by a kind stranger on new years eve, and we proceeded to spend the whole night talking and dancing, until i ran away from him without learning his name.things like that didn’t happen to people. especially not people like yoon jeonghan.





	1. i

**Author's Note:**

> the setting is a bit of a hodge podge of things i actually know abt korea and things from my own uni experience so pls keep that in mind haha
> 
> part two is like half written so hopefully that happens before the world ends fingers crossed

❃

 

his alarm wakes him, as it does every weekday morning, at four thirty.

the small, lavender flip phone resting on the floor by his mattress vibrates diligently as it blasts its happy 8-bit tune. the sound makes him groan, an uncomfortable dread churning in his stomach at the thought of waking up.

he doesn’t open his eyes as he stretches a hand out, blindly feeling around for the phone. when he finds it he swiftly flips it open and silences the alarm, eyes still closed.

he’d been in the middle of a dream about vacationing at a beach when his alarm rang, and as the morning cold of his studio apartment seeps in through his blanket, the memory of the warmth of his imaginary sun felt particularly bittersweet.

it takes him a few long seconds before he manages to force his eyes open, the prospect of staying in bed and getting some much needed rest far too tempting.

eyes regretfully open he gazes up at the cracks in the ceiling above him, absent mindedly calculating the pros and cons of not showing up to work. after a few minutes of silent musing, when the morning chill becomes too much to bear, he sighs, resigned to the knowledge that risking losing his weekday job for a couple of hours of extra sleep was hardly a wise decision.

with a sleepy, unhappy noise jeonghan sits up, stretching his arms above his head as he does so. he slips out from under his blanket, putting his socked feet in his slippers as he gets up to avoid the chill of the floor.

walking the few metres to his kitchen he gets started on breakfast, stomach rumbling in anticipation of food. he’d studied the whole evening last night and skipped dinner, opting for finishing his lab rapport and then going to sleep instead.

he pours some oats into a bowl, humming lightly as he does so in an attempt to wake himself up. he washes and dresses while his porridge cooks, it was slowly getting colder outside, and as pretty as the city looked in autumn, jeonghan dreaded the coming chilly days. the building he lived in was old and run down, with thin walls that did little to keep the heat inside.

he eats quickly, the plain porridge tastes dreadfully bland, but it brings a welcome warmth to his insides, chasing the lasting chill from his bones. he looks over his chemistry homework as he eats, making sure he didn’t miss anything last night. third year was both a blessing and a curse. with fewer courses, it meant less time spent in class and more time over for work, but the courses he did have were harder than ever, and he’d fought tooth and nail the whole first month of the semester to not fall behind.

breakfast eaten and homework checked, jeonghan makes quick work of packing his bag. it’s a well practiced routine, as most of his life is. extra shirt to wear after work, his notebook and pens, wallet, lunchbox, and, finally, his little lavender flip phone.

he reaches down to pick his phone up, ready to get going, when he pauses. the day’s date blinking up at him from the little display on the outer side of his phone. _4th of october_ it reads in small blue letters. he’d completely forgotten today was his birthday.

his heart stutters unpleasantly. his birthday was always a bit overwhelming, his friends never listening to him when he insisted he didn’t need any gifts. instead they’d shower him with things he didn’t deserve, and he’d be left feeling bad because he couldn’t afford to be equally generous for their birthdays.

he shakes his head and picks up his phone. there was no point in worrying about that now, he had a bus to catch.

  

❃

 

the bus ride to the office where he cleans each weekday morning is long and crowded, the bus always packed with office workers, children going to school and any other person who had reason to leave their neighbourhood in favour for the busier parts of the city.

as the bus passes through the streets jeonghan looks through the unread messages on his phone.

00:00  seungkwannie  
_HAPPY BIRTHDAY HYUNG_

00:00  seungkwannie  
_I BETTER BE FIRST_

00:00  seungkwannie  
▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯▯

he rolls his eyes at seungkwan’s messages, having to arduously tap on each one individually in order to see them. when he gets to the last one, he squints a bit at the row of squares. seungkwan knew his phone didn’t have emojis, yet he insisted on using them.

he presses the top right button on his phone’s keypad and taps out a reply.

05:22  
_thank you seungkwannie. and don’t worry, you were first._

message sent, he looks through the other two messages. unsurprisingly, one is from seokmin, the other from joshua.

00:02 shua  
_happy bday jeonghan-ah. love u lots, make sure to rest today._

00:23  seokminnie  
_hello hyung!!!!! im sorry im late but happy birthday!!! i love you!!!!_

he makes quick work of sending out messages thanking his friends for their congratulations. despite his complicated relationship with his birthday, he couldn’t deny the warmth he felt at his friends’ enthusiasm. it made him feel important in a way he hadn’t in a long time.

he can’t stop his thoughts from straying to his dad. he missed him, always, but more so on days like this. holidays and birthdays that were supposed to be spent with family were now just him, alone in his studio too exhausted from school and work to host any kind of celebration.

at least it was better than the alternative.

the ghost of cruel hands and crueller words travel over his skin, making him shudder. he tries not to spare his childhood home any mind, but with thoughts of his father his step-mother is soon to follow.

he wonders if she’s still looking for him.

the bus rolls to a stop, the quick jerk of the brakes pulling jeonghan out of his thoughts and back into the real world. realising it’s his stop, he hurries up and out through the open back doors, abandoning his memories on the worn out seats of the bus. at least for now.

work is, as always, dull.

the office is quiet and empty, the only sound coming from jeonghan and his cart of cleaning supplies. he works through the routine on auto-pilot, mind blank as he sweeps, dusts and wipes all empty surfaces on the office floor.

he used to have a coworker, a nice older lady who sometimes brought him snacks, but at some point his employers had decided that there was no need for two people per floor, and jeonghan found himself alone in the mornings.

once he’s done he makes quick work of parking his cleaning cart in the supply closet and slipping into the bathroom to change. the pale yellow uniform shirt comes off, jeonghan making sure to avoid looking at himself in the mirror. he’d gotten so awfully skinny, ribs sticking out and cheekbones sharp. it made him uncomfortable seeing himself.

once he’s changed, now wearing a pale pink oversized dress shirt he’d gotten second hand, he ducks out of the building unnoticed, the few early bird workers paying him no mind.

he walks the few blocks to his university, letting the calm of the early morning soothe him. he had work again today after his classes, and as he walks he tries to remember if he’d let his birthday slip to any of his coworkers at the restaurant.

he hoped not. he wasn’t particularly close to any of his coworkers, and with his slave driver of a boss he’d rather avoid any kind of birthday talk, much preferring to just get his shift over and done with as quietly and painlessly as possible. he’s got a tired frown on his face as he walks into the lecture hall, still 20 minutes left before his first class.

once in his seat he rests his head on his arms on the desk in front of him, savouring the minutes of quiet and letting himself relax a bit, getting ready for the long hours of class ahead of him.

  
❃

 

when lunch finally rolls around four hours of classes later he’s grateful. his hand hurts from taking notes, and he’s feeling more sleep deprived than usual, making him look forward to some time to unwind with his friends.

he’s the first of their little group to reach the cafeteria, and wastes no time picking out a table, slumping in his seat and lethargically pulling out his lunch box.

his hopes for some time to relax is squandered, however, when seungkwan bolts up to him, wide smile on his face and a loud _happy birthday jeonghannie-hyung_ on his lips as he rushes over from one of the cafeteria restaurants. jeonghan’s not proud to say that his birthday had slipped his mind again, too caught up in his tiredness to care about such trivial matters. he musters up the energy for a fond smile, quietly thanking seungkwan, urging him to sit down at the table. seungkwan does so excitedly, his tray clattering noisily as it hits the table.

“seungkwan please don’t be so noisy.” he sighs, conscious of the looks of the students around them in the cafeteria.

“sorry, hyung.” seungkwan says, very much not meaning it.”i’m just excited.”

the younger boy snaps his chopsticks apart and takes an impressive bite of his noodles.

“ _‘mshoechidedoryorguf_!”

jeonghan raises an eyebrow at seungkwan.”what was that?”

seungkwan chews hurriedly.

“i’m so excited for your gift!”

“you didn’t have to get me anything.” he says on reflex, a sharp stab of discomfort in his stomach.

“don’t be ridiculous, hyung,” seungkwan rolls his eyes and stuffs a piece of pepper in his mouth.”of course i had to get you something! i’m gonna wait ‘til the others are here to give it to you.”

jeonghan doesn’t respond, just forces a smile and bends over his lunchbox to take a bite of the kimbap he’d packed with him.

 _your friends love you_ , he tells himself, trying to drown out the familiar voice reminding him of his worthlessness. the venomous hiss of his step-mum echoing in his head, making his heartbeat speed up and his arms go numb. it seemed no matter how far he ran, or how well he hid, he couldn’t shake her off.

he’s pulled out of his anxiety when seokmin crashes into the seat next to him. he looks up at the younger boy, who simply gives him a wide smile, eyes forming adorable crescents, and, as if sensing his distress, envelops him in a tight hug.

“happy birthday, jeonghannie-hyung!” seokmin says and squeezes a little harder. the contact is welcome. seokmin gave the nicest hugs, and something about the younger’s kind aura always helped to soothe jeonghan.

joshua, not far behind his boyfriend, sits gracefully in the chair next to seungkwan.

“happy twenty-first, jeonghan-ah.” he says simply, an amused smile on his face as he watches them while dividing up the plates on his tray between him and seokmin.

once seokmin finally lets him out of his arms and they all turn to their food, seungkwan wastes no time in loudly clearing his throat, demanding their attention.

“okay, so,” seungkwan starts, game face on.”who’s gonna go first?”

jeonghan furrows his eyebrows and looks to each of his friends, confused. what were they planning?

“we’ll go first,” seokmin announces, one arm already stuffed into his backpack, looking for something. when he pulls his arm out, he’s got a small black envelope in his hand. he deposits it on the table between them. the words _happy b-day jeonghannie_ are written in gold on the front of it.

“you didn’t have to—”

“just open it, jeonghan-ah.” joshua interrupts him, voice leaving no room for argument. feeling mildly chastised, jeonghan does as he’s told.

he picks the envelope up and makes careful work of opening it, doing his best not to tear it more than necessary. inside is a gift card from what jeonghan deduces is a hairdresser, judging by the scissors in the logo. he looks up at his friends, confused.

“so as you know,” seokmin explains, excited.”my noona finally opened her hair salon,”

he’s got one hand resting on the back of jeonghan’s chair, the other gesturing in excitement.”and she said that she’d give me discounts, isn’t she so nice? and because of that me and jisoo-hyung thought it would be nice to get you a makeover!”

“we put our money together,” joshua helps explain.”so it should be enough for a cut and dye.”

jeonghan looks from the couple, down to the gift card in his hands, and up again.

“what’s wrong with my hair?” he says, voice filled with mock offence.

joshua looks at him, unimpressed.”nothing’s wrong with it—”

“but it might be fun with something new!” seokmin finishes for his boyfriend.

he huffs a little and raises a hand to run it through his hair, all for show. it was getting long, reaching just below his ears, and the brown shade he’d dyed it himself on a whim months ago was faded, with stark black roots peeking out. it was a considerate gift, and as long as he didn’t think about what it must have cost he could let himself feel excited about the prospect of a new look.

he drops his offended act and gives each of his friends a wide smile.”this is really sweet of you,” he thumbs the paper in his hands.”i’m so grateful.”

“happy birthday, hyungie!” seokmin says again, before turning to the plate of food joshua has placed down in front of him.

seungkwan, who had been uncharacteristically silent throughout the past few minutes, sits up straight in his chair.

“my turn!” he announces, placing both palms on the table, waiting until he’s got all of his friend’s attention before he continues. jeonghan leans back in his chair, the look in seungkwan’s eyes giving away that he harboured big plans.

“since i’m a member of the new years masquerade committee, i get a discount on tickets,” the youngest begins, voice grand as he looks around the table.”so when tickets are released, i vow to buy our dear jeonghannie-hyung a ticket.”

jeonghan’s face blanks, trying to first take in the words, and then make sense of what he was feeling. on one hand, it wasn’t nearly as outrageous as he’d feared, but on the other hand, jeonghan hardly engaged in any social events, making attending a masquerade something miles out of his comfort zone.

seungkwan takes in his face and, apparently displeased by the lack of enthusiasm, calls him out.

“oh don’t look at me like that,” he insists.”it’ll be fun!”

“you say that, but...” jeonghan states, letting the obvious _i’m not a party person_ go unsaid.

“i think it’s a great idea,” joshua, the traitor, says while he nonchalantly puts more ketchup on his fries.”you could use some fun, jeonghan-ah.”

“yeah!” seokmin agrees through a mouthful of food.”we’ll get all dressed up and nice, and you’ll have your new hairstyle! it’ll be so great!”

jeonghan’s gut clenches at the thought of dressing up. he could barely afford a new winter coat, there was no way he’d be able to get the money for a suit to a formal ball. he stays quiet for a minute, trying to collect his thoughts under the guise of chewing his food.

“what's so fun about a masquerade anyway?” he finally asks, taking another large bite of his kimbap, cheeks puffing out.

seungkwan rolls his eyes at him and crosses his arms on the table.”it's _romantic_ , hyung.” he says like it was obvious.”for a night you get to dress up in fancy clothing and pretend you're someone else, someone mysterious and interesting.”

jeonghan gives him an unimpressed look.”are you implying i'm not interesting?”

“ _none_ of us are interesting, hyung.” seungkwan insists.”we're all just boring university students trying to pass our classes.”

“i think you're interesting, hyung.” comes seokmin's voice, the other boy looking up from his food to flash jeonghan a kind smile. jeonghan coos at him in appreciation, he could always count on seokminnie.

“besides,” seungkwan continues, ignoring seokmin.”this is my birthday gift to you: a night of fun where you don't have to worry about anything.”

“i can't afford a costume.” he tries, shame colouring his cheeks at the admission.

“i know, but you don’t have to worry,” seungkwan is quick to dismiss him, although not unkindly.”we can just borrow something from the theatre department.”

“i—”

“hyung,” seungkwan cuts him off, voice serious but face kind.”you don’t have to worry about anything, i’ll sort everything out.”

jeonghan closes his eyes, breathes deeply through his nose. curse his kind and thoughtful dongsaengs. he opens his eyes and turns to joshua, wearing a pleading look.

“tell me you're going too.”

joshua looks up from his food and gives him an apologetic smile.”sorry, jeonghan-ah, i’m going home the whole break, remember?”

he groans around another bite of kimbap.”i can't believe you're abandoning me for _america_.”

“i'm sorry,” joshua says again, laughing at jeonghan's unhappy face.”but i’m afraid i’m too good of a son to abandon my parents over the holidays.”

“i guess.” jeonghan acquises, lips pursed. seokmin’s arm comes to rest around his shoulders.

“hyung, we don’t need him,” seokmin hurries to assure him, sticking out his tongue teasingly at his boyfriend.“i’ll be your date!”  

joshua gasps, one hand on his chest.”cheating on me, seokmin-ah? and with my best friend?”

jeonghan cuddles further into seokmin’s embrace, playing along.

“i couldn’t help myself,” seokmin sighs.”he’s just so irresistible, an actual angel.”

the words make the whole table both cringe and crack up, jeonghan ducking out from under seokmin’s arm to lean away from him, cackling as he does so. seungkwan groans at the cheesy statement, but is laughing along with the rest of them. joshua does his best to keep up his act, but ultimately breaks down in giggles.

once the laughter dies down, a thought enters jeonghan’s head.

“what about you, seungkwannie?”

seungkwan hums, confused, around his food. jeonghan grins in mischief.

“are you planning on confessing to hansollie in time for the masquerade?”

seungkwan blanks at the question, his face colouring an adorable red. the youngest hurries to chew, and when he speaks his lips are pursed, face still shining with colour.

“that, hyung,” he says, voice regal, no doubt in an attempt to hide his embarrassment. jeonghan holds back a coo at his flustered state.”is none of your business.”

jeonghan laughs mercilessly at him.

“i don’t understand what either of you are waiting for, honestly,” comes joshua’s collected voice.”you’ve been in love with each other for years.”

seungkwan’s got his mouth open, ready to answer, when a ringtone starts blaring from under the table. when seungkwan reaches down to fish his phone out, his hyungs give each other meaningful stares across the table.

“shut up,” their youngest hisses before he answers, making the rest of them cackle loudly.”hi hansollie!”

jeonghan tunes out his friend’s speaking in favour of chatting with seokmin and joshua, none of them keen on listening to the sugary sweet tone seungkwan’s voice took on whenever he was speaking to hansol. joshua was right in saying it was a long time coming, the two boys had been in perceived unrequited love with each other ever since they started university, neither of the two making a move, no matter how much meddling their friends engaged in.

“i have to go,” seungkwan announces once he’s hung up, a whole ten minutes later.”i’m meeting hansol by the library.”

“yeah, we gotta get to class,” joshua says, in the process of stacking empty plates back onto his tray.”you’ll walk with me, jeonghan-ah?”

“yeah, of course.”

they pack up their stuff quickly, all the while giving seungkwan grief about his crush, to the youngest’s growing frustration.

the four of them are on their way out of the cafeteria, idly chatting, when something heavy and firm suddenly comes crashing into jeonghan, making him stumble backwards for a few wobbly steps before finally falling to the ground. he lands heavily on his bum and then down on his back, the impact making him wince. the boy who’d been the cause of his fall is on his hands and knees above him, having managed to catch himself before landing on him. jeonghan, despite his woozy state, notes that he’s very handsome, with his dark, disheveled hair and deep, brown eyes.

“ah fuck,” the boy curses, moving quickly off from jeonghan.”shit, i’m so sorry, are you okay?”

jeonghan lies, still dazed, on the floor of the cafeteria, his brain not yet caught up with what had happened.

in the next second hands are on him, pulling him to his feet, and jeonghan can faintly hear both his friends and the stranger who’d run into him ask if he’s alright.

he shakes his head in an attempt to clear it, and musters a smile at the stranger and seokmin as they help him to his feet.

“i’m fine,” he reassures, despite the aching in his bum.”just caught off guard.”

“i’m really so sorry,” the stranger insists once more, big eyes shining with concern.”i wasn’t looking where i was going, are you sure you’re alright?”

“don’t worry,” jeonghan chuckles at the regretful face of the stranger.”i’m tougher than i look.”

he’s up on his feet now, standing firmly on the ground, and while seokmin has let go of him, the stranger is still holding a gentle grip on his arm. jeonghan glances down at the hand on him and then up at the stranger.

the dark haired man blushes and lets his grip go, one hand coming up to rub at the back of his neck. he’s got his mouth open, looking as if he’s just about to say something, when joshua interrupts them from where he’s standing to the side.

“jeonghan, we need to get going.”

he nods in acknowledgement, flashes the stranger a smile, and hurries off with his friends.

as they exit the cafeteria seungkwan informs them, voice an excited hiss, that the stranger had been _the_ choi seungcheol. jeonghan shares a confused look with seokmin.

“what do you mean ‘ _the_ choi seungcheol’?” seokmin asks, voicing their thoughts.

“he’s, like,” seungkwan pauses, most likely for dramatic effect.” _really_ popular.”

jeonghan rolls his eyes.”and yet i’ve never heard of him.”

“all you do is study and work, hyung,” seungkwan is quick to say.”if it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t even know your own exam dates.”

jeonghan rolls his eyes but doesn’t protest, instead he resigns himself to listening to seungkwan gush about how _cool_ choi seungcheol was, with his thousands of instagram followers and incredible sports skills, until they make it outside.

once out of the cafeteria they split up, seokmin joining seungkwan to the library while jeonghan and joshua go the other way for their classes.

they chat idly as they walk, quickly making it to jeonghan’s building. he’s just about to turn right and head through the door, a _see you later_ ready on his lips, when joshua stops him.

“jeonghan-ah, wait!” his friend calls before he can walk away.”i haven’t given you your birthday gift yet.”

he turns around, a little caught off guard. three gifts on the same birthday, it was more than he was used to, even now. he fidgets as he watches joshua dig through his backpack.

“you didn’t have to get me a second gift.” he tries to insist, but joshua just shushes him gently.

“it’s no big deal.” he asserts, holding out a hastily wrapped, slightly wonky-looking rectangle.”i wanted to, you deserve it.”

trust joshua to always know exactly what jeonghan needed to hear. he takes the offered gift and starts to carefully open it, slowly unveiling a small, purple object and two bundles of white cords. he gapes at it.

“it’s an ipod nano,” joshua explains.”it used to be my sisters, but she doesn’t use it, so i asked my mum to ship it over.”

jeonghan thumbs the little purple device, the metal cold against his fingers. he doesn’t know what to say, his heart simultaneously feeling like it’s swelling and shrinking in his chest. he looks up at joshua, eyes wide with wonder at the generous gift.

“i’ve added all your favourite songs in there,” his best friend explains, a touch of excitement in his voice.”as well as some i think you’d like.”

“thank you.” he finally remembers to say, springing forward to wind his arms tightly around his best friend. joshua’s arms come up to embrace him in turn. jeonghan blinks quickly, desperately trying to keep happy tears at bay.

almost three years, and being loved still felt so unbelievably foreign.

“go on now,” joshua urges and breaks their embrace.”we’ll be late for our classes.”

jeonghan nods, carefully putting his gift in the front pocket of his backpack.”thank you so much, shua.”

“it’s nothing,” joshua calls as he walks away.”happy birthday, jeonghan-ah!”

he spends the rest of his day in a distracted daze, too busy running his fingers over the worn metal of his gift to pay attention to what his lecturers say.

  
❃

the months leading up to new years pass relatively uneventfully.  the winter is gentler than usual, and jeonghan welcomes the mild temperatures, even if he misses the way the city looks when covered in snow.

seungkwan finally confesses to hansol two weeks before exams, making their little group grow from four to five. none of them mind, even if the two new lovers are impossibly clingy and more often than not slip out of their study sessions to get up to no good.

jeonghan becomes obsessed with joshua’s gift, the little device raising his quality of life so dramatically that it was probably a little pathetic. he stops dreading the long bus journeys he takes every day, the music giving him a chance to relax and space out, the little device gives him a gentle wake up in the morning, and a calming winding down in the evening. he’s not sure how he’s managed to live without it for so long.

every couple of weeks he’ll hog joshua’s laptop, eagerly scouring the internet for pirated audio books and new music to devour. seokmin helps him eagerly, and together they’ll sit bent over joshua’s laptop during lunch, diligently restocking the ipod’s library.

once exams are over, a few days before joshua is due to fly home for christmas, he finally goes in for his promised cut and dye. both seokmin and joshua come with him, and seokmin’s noona, small and cute with the same kind manner as her younger brother, convinces him to just let her do whatever she thinks is best.

he ends up with hair almost as pale as the snow they’re still waiting for. it’s a stark difference to the dark colour he’s used to, and he’s struck by how much softer it makes him look. the length is cut shorter, but still left long enough to touch his ears

the new hair is light and airy, it makes him feel like a new person. for the first time in a long time he looks at himself in the mirror and likes what he sees.

he spends most of his break working at the restaurant, his boss electing to force his employees to pick up three times as many shifts over hiring seasonal workers.

which is why, unsurprisingly, new years eve finds him at the restaurant. he was supposed to have the day off, but his manager had called him out, demanding that he cover the day shift if he didn’t want to be fired.

it’s an exhausting six hours, with far too many rude customers demanding he fulfill their every whim. it’s hectic enough that when he leaves work, tired and starving, he’s forgotten all about the masquerade.

he’s on his way to the bus station, ipod already blasting music in his ears, when his phone vibrates in his pocket.

17:09  seungkwannie  
_are u on ur way?????? me hansol n seokmin are waiting by the costume room in the theatre dept ▯▯▯_

jeonghan stops abruptly, hands clutching his phone, his eyes slipping shut as he fights down a groan. he was so, so tired, bones aching and stomach rumbling, but seungkwan had bought him a ticket. he couldn’t disappoint his friends like that.

he takes a deep breath, steels himself, and turns around to head to the bus stop that would take him to campus.

when he reaches campus he hurries to the theatre building, jogging through the dimly lit corridors. he didn’t spend much time in the theatre department anymore, but during his first semester, when he’d still lived on campus, he’d joined the theatre society to help out backstage, not confident enough to get on stage himself. that’s how he’d met seokmin. kind and sweet, the musical theatre student had always offered to stay and help out when rehearsals were over, despite having an impressive amount of lines to memorise. when he was forced to move out of his dorm, chased out by a humiliating and vicious visit from his step-mum, he no longer had time for extra-curriculars, all his time consumed with work. luckily, seokmin had stuck around, introducing him to seungkwan the following autumn.

rounding one last corner, he spots his friends waiting for him by the door to the costume room.

hansol and seungkwan are wearing matching dark red suits, and it’s horribly disgusting what a cute couple they make. seokmin is decked out in a bright yellow suit, the colour mirroring his sunshine-y personality. they all look great, and jeonghan feels the insecurity flare up inside him. how was he supposed to measure up to his gorgeous friends?

"good, you're here!" is the only greeting he gets from seungkwan, the younger wasting no time turning around and barging into the impressively sized costume closet, the other three scrambling to following his pace. once inside seungkwan turns to seokmin.

“i’ll find a costume, you go dig up some masks.”

seokmin nods and ducks around a rack of ball gowns. once the other is out of sight, seungkwan gets to work.

jeonghan is left standing hesitantly by the entrance to the costume room, watching as seungkwan tears through the many racks of costumes, seemingly randomly picking out different outfits.

“are you sure this is okay?” he asks.

“don’t worry,” seungkwan dismisses him easily.”as long as we put them back later no one’s going to notice.”

he fidgets where he stands, discomfort growing inside him. he looks to the side, makes eye contact with hansol.

“i’m sure it’ll be fine, hyung!” the younger reassures him with a smile.”and if anyone gets mad we’ll make seungkwan take the blame.”

the statement makes jeonghan crack a smile.”that sounds like a plan.”

a few minutes later seungkwan calls him over, holding up two suit jackets against jeonghan’s form, one pale blue, the other an emerald green.

seungkwan hums and squints, clearly assessing the jackets on whatever criterias fashionable people judge clothing based on.

“do i get to have an opinion?” he jokes as seungkwan is in the middle of comparing the jackets to his skin.

“no,” the younger scoffs, before nonchalantly hurling the emerald jacket over his shoulders. jeonghan huffs at the dismissal, rolling his eyes, but ultimately doesn’t protest, knowing seungkwan knew what he was doing.

“we’re going with light blue, seokmin!” seungkwan calls off to the side seokmin had disappeared, seokmin responding with a faint _got it_ from where he’s obscured behind racks of costumes.

“hold this,” seungkwan orders and deposits the light blue jacket in his arms, abandoning jeonghan to pluck the matching dress pants down from the hanger, then setting off in search for something else.

while he waits, jeonghan carefully inspects the jacket in his arms. he runs his fingers over the soft fabric, the light blue colour shining prettily in his hands as it catches the sharp light from overhead. he holds it up again, inspecting the mix of white and pale blue, and decides that seungkwan really did know what he was doing.

“okay, i think i have everything,” seungkwan comes back around the corner a few minutes later, now holding a piece of white fabric along with the blue dress pants.”take this and go change, but keep the shoes, they’re fine.”

jeonghan raises a hand to his head, does a little slute as seungkwan deposits the rest of his chosen outfit in his arms.”yes, sir!”

he hurries off behind a rack of what seems to be animal costumes, and makes quick work of getting into the clothes seungkwan had picked out. the white fabric turns out to be a turtleneck, and jeonghan finds himself appreciating both the thickness of the tall collar, and the way it covers him up. both the trousers and the jacket end up fitting him surprisingly well, the jacket hanging a little oversized over his shoulders. he folds his work outfit and tucks it safely under his arm, making sure to tuck his phone, wallet and ipod into his pockets. hopping back into the black dress shoes he wears for work, he laces them up and trots back around the clothing rack. tugging at the sleeves of the jacket, he asks,

“does it look okay?”

seungkwan gives him an impressed look, while hansol lets out a low whistle.

“you look dashing!” hansol compliments, hands raised to give him two thumbs up.

“i have to agree,” seungkwan says, stalking over to adjust the fall of the fabric.”just a little bit of makeup and you’ll be perfect.”

the younger blonde pushes him over to the corner into a chair in front of a mirror, and, knowing what’s best for him, jeonghan doesn’t protest.

seungkwan takes his folded up outfit out of his hands and throws the clothes at his boyfriend, ignoring jeonghan's squawk.

"could you go put this in my locker, babe?"

"sure thing!" hansol says, setting off down the corridor.

"what am i supposed to wear going home?" jeonghan splutters.

"just wear this, we'll pick up your clothes tomorrow."

“now close your eyes and let me work.” seungkwan orders as he clips jeonghan’s bangs up and away from his face. jeonghan begrudgingly does as told, trying to stay as still as possible as seungkwan’s nimble hands start applying makeup to his skin.

seungkwan is in the middle of smearing something sticky onto his lips when seokmin comes back round the corner.

“i found this one,” comes his voice, and jeonghan has to steel himself to not take a peek.”and this one.”

“that one,” seungkwan decides quickly.”it matches the outfit better.”

jeonghan stays quiet as he hears seokmin walk over, making sure to stay still as he feels seungkwan place the mask over his face and tie the white lace ribbons around his head.

“can i look now?”

“no.” seungkwan’s hands come up to fiddle with the clips in his hair, carefully arranging his bangs.

“are you guys done soon?” comes hansol’s voice from behind them, evidently back from depositing jeonghan's clothes.”we’re technically late.”

seungkwan scoffs from up above jeonghan, hands still carefully styling his hair.

“it’s a party, hansollie,” he says.”no one cares if we arrive late.”

when hansol speaks again, jeonghan doesn’t have to see him to know his face is tilted to the side, face contorted in that cute confused expression that was so very _hansol_.

“but you’re the,” he pauses for a bit, evidently not understanding his boyfriend’s logic.”organiser?”

“doesn’t matter,” seungkwan dismisses, hands leaving jeonghan’s hair.”okay, you can look now.”

with permission, jeonghan flutters his eyes open, taking in seungkwan’s handiwork.

his hair is laid fluffy and wavy over the mask, the white plastic covering his face all the way from his forehead to his cheeks. the mask is eggshell white, the only decoration being a pair of thin eyebrows and a big, black teardrop on the right cheek. the only real colour on his face comes from the sticky, glittery pink gloss decorating his small lips, and it leaves a stark expression. he tilts his head from side to side, impressed by seungkwan’s work.

“i like it.” he decides. he looks up at seungkwan and seokmin.”you did a good job, especially considering the material you had to work with.”

"oh shut up," seungkwan rolls his eyes at his self-deprecating quip."we all know you're gorgeous." 

“you look like an angel, hyung!” seokmin is quick to complement, reaching out to touch his hair, but is stopped in his motion when seungkwan slaps his hand away.

“c’mon, cinderella,” seungkwan urges and drags jeonghan out of the chair and off to the door, grabbing hansol as he passes him.”gotta get you to the ball.”

the walk from the theatre department to the building where the masquerade is hosted takes only a few minutes, and as they come closer and closer jeonghan can feel the apprehension take over inside him.

he pauses at the top of the stairs in front of the double doors, his friends already making their way into the party, blood rushing in his ears as he watches the crowd through the arches of the doorway.

it’s hansol, of all people, that notices his distress. the younger boy turns around, seemingly for no reason, and before he knows it the younger has placed his hands on his shoulders, eyes locking with jeonghan’s with a gravity that throws the older off.

“hyung.”

“yes?” jeonghan’s voice is pitched and confused, he has no idea where this is going.

“death is inevitable,” hansol says, and despite his sober mannerism jeonghan can’t help but wonder if hansol’s already had a few. he nods in acknowledgement, nonetheless.

hansol grins and leans closer to him.”so let’s fucking party.”

he can’t help it, he laughs. his friends were strange and maybe a little dumb, but they also had this uncanny ability of effortlessly talking him down from whatever precipice of worry he was on.

“yeah,” he agrees and lets hansol guide him into the low light of the masquerade hall with a hand on his back.”let’s fucking party.”

 

❃

 

retrospectively, jeonghan should have known better than to let seungkwan, hansol and seokmin each buy him a drink, and then downing those drinks on an empty stomach after only getting four hours of sleep.

as it is, he’s doing his best to stay upright on the dancefloor, trying to find his friends through his blurry vision. he’s not sure how long he’s been alone, but as the crowd of drunk dancers shove him back and forth, the touch of foreign bodies making him feel hot and uncomfortable, it feels like an eternity. the panic is climbing up his throat and his heart is steadily picking up pace.

the ballroom is dark, the pretty fairy lights and lanterns used for decoration only providing minimal lighting, but jeonghan manages to push his way through the crowd and find support against a wall.

he breathes deeply, trying to calm his rapidly beating heart, back pressed against the wall. the masquerade mask feels uncomfortable against his skin, but he can’t find the energy to take it off, all focus on making sure he doesn’t collapse.

it takes him a good few minutes, but he finally manages to get his breathing under control. pushing himself off from the wall he’s leaning on, he only manages a couple of steps before a heavy body tumbles into him, his still unsteady limbs giving in from the impact, making him flop heavily to the floor.

he watches the man who ran into him disappear into the crowd, desperately trying to get his limbs to push himself up before he gets trampled. he tries to muster the strength to move, but his body won’t cooperate, legs feeling like jelly where he lies on the marble floor.

“hey, you okay?” comes a kind voice, just barely audible over the music, and jeonghan feels gentle hands under his arms, helping him to his feet. he tries to focus, tries to form the words _i’m fine_ , but his mouth won’t cooperate.

”c’mon, let’s get you some air.” the voice says, close to his ear. he feels a strong arm slip around his waist, while another lifts his arm over a pair broad shoulders, supporting him as they walk toward the back exit.

“sit here, ‘kay?” the man says as he gently places him on a bench outside the busy hall. jeonghan’s got his eyes closed, the winter air feeling divine against his heated skin, even with the mask still on.”i’m gonna get you some water.”

jeonghan nods absently, more focused on getting the anxious buzz in his chest to calm down.

his ears are ringing, the after effects of the loud music of the party adding to his disoriented state. he rubs his hands up and down his thighs, mind slowly working its way through his body, starting from his toes and moving up, taking account of where he is and how he’s feeling. as he moves up to his waist, feeling the way his empty stomach rumbles and the way his chest rises and falls with his breathing, he feels his nerves slowly settle, the cool night air chasing the thickest of the drunkenness from his mind.

he is present. he is safe. no one is going to hurt him.

he hears footsteps approaching, and when he looks up the man who helped him is making his way back, bottle of water in hand.

“here you go.” he says kindly as he passes jeonghan the water, attentive eyes heavy on him as he opens the bottle and brings it to his lips.

the water is cold as it travels down his throat, bringing some calm to his churning stomach.

jeonghan studies the man in front of him as he drinks, taking in his appearance. he’s got dark hair swept up and away from his forehead, and despite much of his face being covered by a gold and black masquerade mask, he can tell he’s handsome, with a strong jawline, plush lips, and big, brown eyes peeking out from the holes in his mask. 

“who’re you?” he mumbles out, taking another sip of water.

the other man smiles down at him, playful.”call me prince charming.”

jeonghan musters up enough energy to roll his eyes.

“thank you for helping me, prince charming.” he humours him, and his prince’s grin widens at the words.

“just doing my princely duty.” his prince says, regal look on his face as he fiddles with one of his cufflinks for show. he’s wearing a dark suit jacket, pieces of gold lace decorating it, matching his masquerade mask.

jeonghan chuckles at the silly display of formality.

“you feeling okay?” his prince asks, and jeonghan can’t see his eyebrows, but imagines they’re furrowed in concern. the worry is touching, coming from a stranger.”you seem a bit out of it, did someone—” he pauses, seemingly gauging jeonghan’s state by the way his eyes travel up and down his figure. jeonghan tilts his head in question.”do you think someone put something in your drink?”

it makes jeonghan laugh, caught off guard by the severity of the question.

“no,” he shakes his head.”i didn’t have a lot to eat today.” he explains.

his prince seems to relax a bit, smile coming back to his face.

“oh,” he sits down on the bench next to jeonghan.”that’s good then. not that it’s good that you haven’t eaten! but it’s good that nothing bad happened to you!”

jeonghan watches as the prince stumbles over his words, a hint of red spreading on his cheeks, peeking out from under the gold mask. it makes jeonghan laugh again, throwing his head back in a loud cackle at his flustered state.

“i appreciate the concern, prince.”

his prince smiles proudly, despite jeonghan laughing at him.“you’re sure you feel okay?” he asks, one more time.

“yes, i promise, i feel much better.” jeonghan takes another gulp of water, fiddling with the bottle in his hands. as he speaks the prince next to him starts digging in one of his pockets, procuring a small protein bar.

“you should eat this.” he says with a decisive nod in his head. jeonghan looks at him, confused.

“why do you have a protein bar in your pocket?”

his prince shrugs.”i'm an exercise and sports studies major.”

jeonghan snorts.

”explains the guns,” he mumbles before he can stop himself. he flushes as soon as the words leave his mouth, ripping the offered protein bar out of his prince’s hand and turning away. he was evidently still tipsier than he'd thought. his prince, unsurprisingly, laughs loudly at his slip of the tongue.

“thanks,” he says, just shy of cocky.”i’m happy you noticed.”

jeonghan hums noncommittally in response, too embarrassed to speak.

as his embarrassment subsides he eyes the prince where he sits next to him on the bench, now distractedly munching on the protein bar. it had a strange texture, and the taste wasn’t very good, but for some reason he didn’t want to disappoint the man by not eating the treat when he’d so generously given it to him.

“don’t you have anyone you need to get back to?” he finally asks.”your friends? a date?”

his prince shrugs, reclining on the bench.”nah, i’d much rather talk to you some more.”

the casual way he says it has jeonghan fighting down a blush, grateful for the mask on his face hiding his flustered expression. the thought that some handsome stranger wanted to spend his night sitting out on a bench with him instead of dancing inside at the ball makes his heart speed up again, but this time it’s a rush of pleasant nerves that makes his breathing stutter.

“what should i call you?” comes his companion’s soft voice after a short silence, his eyes shining with curiosity behind the mask.

“i’m—” he cuts himself off before he says his name, seungkwan’s words suddenly rising to the front of his mind. the chance to be someone else, he thinks, someone mysterious and interesting. someone who isn’t yoon jeonghan.

“angel.” he settles for. he nods once, satisfied with himself.”you can call me angel.”

his prince nods a few times, clearly amused.”okay, angel,” he rises from his seat, one arm placed behind his back, the other held up in front of him as he bows slightly.”how would you feel about joining me for a stroll through the gardens this lovely evening?”

jeonghan looks at him, mouth hanging open, for a few short seconds, before he smiles.”sounds delightful.”

he gets up from his seat, not quite brave enough to take the hand his prince had offered. but if his prince was put off by the rejection, he doesn’t let it show, instead he just motions in front of them, encouraging jeonghan to follow his lead.

they walk slowly, talking pleasantly as they go. his prince leads them around the courtyard of their university, the mild chill of the winter night making them stay close together, and each time their shoulders brush as they walk, jeonghan feels the blush grow warmer on his skin.

it’s when he’s in the middle of retelling the story of the worst customer he’s ever had when jeonghan catches his prince stealing curious glances at him, his eyes a lot heavier than a silly story about work warrants. the attention flusters him enough that he interrupts his story.

“what?” he asks, fiddling with the sleeves of his suit jacket.

“have we, uh— have we met before?”

jeonghan frowns behind his mask.”how am i supposed to know? i don’t know who you are.”

his prince lets out a chuckle, one hand coming up to scratch at his neck.”right, forgot about that.”

“it’s just,” he starts again, eyes trained on jeonghan.”you feel so familiar.”

“well,” jeonghan shrugs, running a hand through his blonde locks.”we’re both students, maybe we’ve just seen each other around.”

suddenly his prince’s embarrassed grin freezes, concern now hinting underneath the mask. before jeonghan has a chance to react his prince’s fingers are up by his head, thumbing at his ear.

“what happened to your ear?” he’s got a concerned pout on his face that would be adorable if it wasn’t for the question that had just left his lips.

jeonghan prides himself on only freezing up for a split second, making sure to keep careful control over his hands, not letting the anxious numbness take over as his mind flashes with memories.

rough claws tugging cruelly at his long locks. the sound of scissors. the dread and fear that kept him captive as large chunks of his hair fell down over his figure, landing dead and severed on the floor.

the warm blood dripping down his neck after the blades of the scissors nipped his ear.

the overwhelming feeling of shame whenever he looked at himself in the mirror the months after, his long, pretty hair now replaced by uneven and broken tufts of hair.

he forces a smile to reassure his prince, lie falling easy from his lips.”my earring got torn out during p.e.”

“ah damn,” his prince says, voice sympathetic.”that must have hurt.”

jeonghan barks out a laugh.

”don’t worry, it wasn’t that bad.” he manages to unscrew the cap on the bottle still in his hand and raises it to his lips, taking a few gulps to distract himself from the buzzing in his body. he wrenches his eyes shut, willing himself out of the spiral.

he can still feel his prince touching the little jack in his ear, the pads of his fingers feeling a little rough, but his touch is impossibly gentle. the touch comforting in its delicateness in a way he isn’t used to. suddenly, the fingers leave his skin, but jeonghan only gets a split second to mourn the loss, before there’s a quick press of lips against the scar.

jeonghan lets out a pathetic squeal at the sudden contact, hand flying up to cover his ear.

beside him, his prince is giggling, clearly proud of himself.

jeonghan turns to him, face glowing red under his mask. would he ever stop blushing?

“did you just—”

“i might have.” his prince shrugs, failing at looking nonchalant about what he’d just done.

jeonghan narrows his eyes and raises a hand to poke him hard in the stomach. his prince doubles over, hands trying to shield himself from jeonghan’s fingers.

“how dare you!” jeonghan continues his assault on his prince’s stomach and sides. he doesn’t miss taking note of the feeling of firm muscle hiding under his prince’s suit, and while he should probably feel embarrassed about the fact, it only serves to further his infatuation.

they play around for a bit more, until his prince eventually admits defeat and begs for jeonghan to have mercy on him.

when his prince is upright again jeonghan gives him a playful glare.

“you better watch it!”

“sorry, angel.” is his companion’s reply, wide grin still on his face, looking the very opposite of sorry."i couldn't help myself.

 jeonghan rolls his eyes playfully, and as they start walking again, he resumes his story about the restaurant guest from hell. 

they’re outside a side door leading into the masquerade hall when they stop, they’re not alone in the corridor, stray party-goers having spilled out from the masquerade and into the dim hallway. they come to rest against the wall, shoulder to shoulder as they look out through the large windows on the other side of the corridor, looking over the courtyard of their university.

“hey, angel?”

jeonghan hums distractedly in reply, busy admiring the way the moon looked through the large window in front of them. it was an almost perfect half circle, as if the moon herself was grinning down at the two of them. as if she was happy for him.

“do you want to dance?”

he turns his head, a smile already spreading on his lips. from the open doors to the ball a song is spilling out, slow and soothing. he doesn’t have to think about his answer.

“sure, prince.” he rises from his position against the wall, his prince following eagerly.

his prince places one hand between his shoulder blades, warm and sturdy, while the other comes out to hover to their side, waiting for jeonghan’s hand. jeonghan follows his princes lead, letting one hand come up to rest on his partner’s shoulder, the other fitting perfectly into his hand.

they sway to the music, jeonghan doing his best to ignore the excited giggling coming from the two drunk girls off to the side of them. he looks into the eyes of his prince as they dance, reveling in the romance of the moment.

everything feels unreal, as if he’s going to wake up at any moment. but, he thinks, if this was a dream, surely he’d be freed from the little discomforts of real life; his hands wouldn’t feel this sweaty, and he wouldn’t be growing so uncomfortable in his mask.

it had to be real. his prince had to be real.

the thought births dozens of butterflies in his stomach, the fluttering tickling a little giggle out of him.

“what is it?” his prince grins at him.

“this is just so—” he snickers again.”cheesy.”

his prince hums in thought, suddenly tugging jeonghan firmer against him and bringing them into a twirl, jeonghan only barely managing to keep up, an unattractive, choked noise spilling from his lips as they move. when they’re back to their gentle swaying, his prince speaks again.

“is cheesy bad?”

jeonghan purses his lips, pretends to contemplate the question. instead of answering he pushes his prince out of his grip, only keeping their hands joined, and forces him to twirl under their joined arms.

his prince, to his credit, only stumbles a little as he’s twirled, and when he’s made it back around he’s quick to pull jeonghan back to him.

“cheesy is good.” jeonghan says with a cheeky smile. his prince only chuckles in response, once more leading them in a quiet, gentle sway to the music.

“it’s almost midnight,” his dance partner breaks their silence, not knowing where this is going, jeonghan stays quiet.

“how about—,” his prince pauses, licks his lips in thought. jeonghan hums in encouragement.”when midnight hits, we take off our masks.”

the butterflies in jeonghan’s stomach flutter even more eagerly, his heart stuttering in his chest.

“introduce ourselves properly.” his prince’s eyes shine with hope.

“yeah,” jeonghan agrees, holding onto his prince’s shoulder a little harder, to keep himself from floating away in his excitement.”i’d love that.”

“good, uh—” his prince nods a few times, goofy grin on his lips.”that’s great!”

they keep swaying to the music, enjoying each other’s company for the last few beats of the song. once the song fades out, they come to a stop, arms still around each other.

“you ready?”

jeonghan nods, his breathing thin with excitement and nerves.”i’m ready.”

his prince smiles, gums on display. his prince takes his hand off jeonghan’s back and raises it to his mask, getting ready.

jeonghan is just about to do the same, fingers gripping the silk ribbons of his mask, when a laugh echoes from down the hall.

his body grows cold.

he’d know that laugh anywhere.

his breathing catches in his throat, blood rushing in his ears and heart once again pounding painfully in his chest. the fear grows thick and heavy in him at the thought of his step-brother. what was he doing here? did he know jeonghan was here? was he going to tell _her_?

his prince’s eyes are shining with concern, picking up on jeonghan’s change in mood. jeonghan can faintly hear him call for him, but the sound is drowned out by his panic.

around them people start counting down enthusiastically. a grand chorus of voices ready to cheer for the new year.

_10, 9, 8..._

“are you okay?” his prince’s words sound so, so far away, drowned out by the laugh now playing on repeat in his head. he was going to be found out. _she_ was going to find again. she was going to drag him back into her clutches. this time she’d never let him go.

he couldn’t stay here. it wasn’t safe.

“i’m sorry.” he breathes out, slipping out of his prince’s grip, turning around to bolt down the hallway.

_7, 6, 5..._

he rounds a corner, ignoring the confused call of _angel_ behind him. ducks his head as he rushes past the group of people standing huddled to the side, hiding his face from the ghost from his childhood.

_4, 3, 2..._

when the new year comes jeonghan is running through the doors of his university, eyes wide with panic and chest numb with fear.

 

❃

 

at 00:22 he’s stepping on a bus, masquerade mask in his trembling hands and a faint _happy new years_ on his lips. as the bus travels through the dark streets he watches the crowds of people milling about. all the happy smiles leaving him feeling hollow and disappointed.

he moves his hand to his pocket, making to take out his ipod and drown out his feelings with music, but finds it empty. he groans, head thumping against the window.

he spends the long journey home in uneventful silence.

  
  
❃

 

on the first day of the new year jeonghan dyes his hair back to brown, the pretty paleness of blonde feeling too eye-catching. too attention seeking. too easy to recognise. when his friends ask why, he claims _it wasn’t really me_. none of them believe him, but, thankfully, they don’t question it.

 

 

 

 


	2. ii

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was supposed to write my research proposal and ended up finishing this instead it's called having priorities

 two weeks into the new year finds jeonghan back in his routine. he’s as overworked and sleep deprived as he’s always been, but the loss of his ipod has him feeling the stress and boredom more than before. he was back to the loneliness and silence he’d been so entrenched in before receiving the little music device, nothing but his own thoughts to accompany him during long bus journeys and dull shifts at work. few things were worse than experiencing happiness, only to have it torn away from you.

 he thinks of his prince a lot, more than what he thinks is normal. they’d only known each other for a few hours, but it had been bliss. a brief glimpse into another, happier life, where jeonghan met exciting people and didn’t have to constantly worry about having enough money for food and bills.

 it’s embarrassing, and he’d never admit to it, but sometimes, when his apartment feels colder than usual or he’s had a particularly bad day, he’ll fantasise about his prince. he’ll try to imagine what he looks like beneath the mask, what his name is and what he’s doing in that moment.

 he’ll mumble to himself as he cooks, pretending he’s guiding his prince through the steps. in the morning he’ll look at his meager wardrobe and contemplate what colours his prince would like the most, what fabrics he’d find the most pleasant against his touch.

 at night, he’ll wrap his arms around himself and pretend it’s his prince holding him.

 it’s embarrassing, a childish fantasy, but it makes him feel less alone.

 

  
❃

 

the routine is broken on a saturday morning. he has a rare day off from the restaurant, electing to spending it catching up on schoolwork and getting some much-needed sleep.

 he’s just laid down on his mattress, ready to indulge in an after-breakfast nap, when a frantic knocking on his door interrupts him. his first instinct is ignoring it, the only one who came to his door was his landlord, and he only came around when he felt like demanding money off of him for no reason.

 he frowns when the knocking gets louder and more insistent, and ultimately forces his body into movement when he realises that the person isn’t going to give up. he trudges over to door, blanket still around his shoulders.

 when he opens the door he’s not expecting joshua on the other side.

“hi?” he asks, confused. his friends rarely came to visit him where he lived, the journey there and back too long and complicated, and even if that hadn’t been the case, jeonghan preferred not having anyone see the mess that was his little studio. but, even stranger than joshua coming to his home, was joshua coming unannounced.

“why does choi seungcheol have the ipod i gave you for your birthday?”

“i’m– what?” joshua grabs him by the shoulders, forcing him to back up and into his flat, ignoring jeonghan’s protest of _your shoes!_ as the door closes behind them. once inside the studio joshua taps away on his phone for a few seconds, before raising it up for jeonghan to see.

“care to explain?”

 on the screen is an instagram post from user _9scoups5_ , the picture showing a purple ipod nano lying on a white surface, there are two tiny stickers in the lower corners of the ipod in the shape of angel wings. so he had dropped it at the masquerade ball.

 and choi seungcheol had found it.

 that would, most likely, mean choi seungcheol was his prince from new years eve.

 it made sense. choi seungcheol was as exercise and sports science major. he was also well-known on campus for his dashing good looks, kind personality and penchant for partying. and, when jeonghan thought about it, the shy smile of his prince was the same one choi seungcheol had given him that time in the cafeteria.

 it was a lot to take in.

 he tears his gaze from the phone screen to look up at joshua. the ipod is clearly his, but that’s not going to stop him from attempting denial. 

“maybe he’s just retro–”

“did you read the caption?”

 jeonghan lowers his gaze to the screen again, eyes traveling over the text below the picture.

_whoever can list five songs off this ipod’s library gets to date me._

  _what the fuck_ , he thinks.

“uhh,” is all he manages to say.

“i know this is the ipod i got you, the question is,” joshua says, lowering his phone.”why does choi seungcheol have it, and why does he want to date the owner of it?”

“i have no idea.” he rushes to assert. he hadn’t told any of his friends about what had happened. how could he? he’d sound ridiculous. _i was rescued by a kind stranger on new years eve, and we proceeded to spend the whole night talking and dancing, until i ran away from him without knowing his name._  

 things like that didn’t happen to people, especially not people like jeonghan.

 joshua regards him with amusement.”you’re usually a better liar than this.”

“i’m not lying!”

 joshua raises an eyebrow at him, clearly not buying it.

 jeonghan lets out a groan. he knows defeat when he sees it.

“i dropped it on new years eve,” he explains, tugging his blanket closer around him.”he must have found it.”

 joshua frowns.”that doesn’t explain why he wants to date you.”

 jeonghan squirms where he stands. he didn’t want to explain. it made him feel embarrassed and vulnerable. new years eve had been his own personal fantasy-come-true. a rare, tender moment that made his heart flutter with _what ifs_ and _maybes_. telling someone about it, even his best friend, felt overwhelmingly personal.

 he turns on his heel to return to his mattress, making himself comfortable before patting the space next to him, urging joshua to join him. there was no escaping now, avoiding the subject would only make joshua worry, and the last thing jeonghan wanted was to make his best friend distressed, or think that jeonghan didn’t trust him.

 once joshua’s shoes are off and he’s cuddled into the bed next to him, jeonghan begins explaining.

 everything from how he’d saved him from the masquerade, to the nicknames, to the dancing, and, finally, the laugh that had interrupted it all. he avoids looking at the other boy while he speaks, keeping his eyes downcast and gently fiddling with the edge of the blanket over their laps, trying not to think of joshua’s heavy gaze on him. once finished, joshua wastes no time taking his hand and squeezing it tightly.

“oh, jeonghan,” his best friend says, voice brimming with sympathy.”you tragic, gay bitch.”

 jeonghan falls back on the mattress with a whine.”don’t make fun of me!”

 joshua chuckles softly and lies down next to him, jeonghan’s hand still in his grasp. jeonghan can feel his eyes on him, but still refuses to meet his gaze, adamantly training his eyes on the cracks in his ceiling instead, following the lines flowing like rivers across the white plaster.

“did you really not know who he was?” comes joshua’s soft voice, accompanied by his thumb stroking over jeonghan’s hand. 

“no,” jeonghan admits with a sigh.”not until now.”

“are you going to contact him? you can borrow my instagram.” his friend offers. jeonghan can hear the hope in his voice, the excitement he’s trying to keep at bay. joshua was, the vast majority of the time, a realist, but one of the boy’s guilty pleasures had always been romance novels, the cheesier the better. he probably thought this was his chance to see a great romance unfold, right before his eyes. jeonghan wishes he could say he hadn’t had the same thought.

 jeonghan shuts his eyes tightly, shakes his head once. it hurt admitting it, that he wasn’t even planning on taking the chance. but there was no point, was there? choi seungcheol did not want yoon jeonghan, he wanted someone interesting and funny, someone charming and beautiful. he did not want yoon jeonghan.

“why not?” joshua’s voice has taken on that tone, the gently prying one he uses when he’s trying to figure out jeonghan’s reasoning. it makes him feel like a frightened animal, scared and shuddering in a corner. it’s not that far off the truth.”he must be smitten with you if–”

“it doesn’t matter, shua.” he cuts him off, voice resigned, eyes back to tracing the cracks in the ceiling. he considers telling joshua about his feelings, about the fear holding him back, but it feels too painful. instead he just says ”he’s going to forget about it in a week.”

 joshua hums, sounding deep in thought, but doesn’t speak for a few long minutes, leaving them to stew in the heavy air in the room. finally, joshua pulls his phone back out of his pocket.

“i’m going to order us takeout, my treat.”

 bless joshua hong and his stupidly kind heart.

 

❃

 

 when he arrives in the cafeteria for lunch with his friends the following monday, he’s surprised that he isn’t bombarded with questions regarding choi seungcheol and his disappearance on new years eve. 

 joshua hadn’t said he was going to tell the rest of their friends about it, jeonghan had just assumed. not because joshua was a particularly gossipy person, more because jeonghan could see him trying to rope their friends into his attempts to convince jeonghan to reach out to his mystery prince. as it is, things go on as they always have. seungkwan, hansol and seokmin all go on believing jeonghan’s lie about having felt ill on new years and elected to return home, and then simply forgetting to text them about it. 

 joshua tries to bring it up a handful of times, when it’s just the two of them. he’ll hold up his phone, seungcheol’s instagram on display, using the man’s instagram posts to try and gently coaxing him into revealing who he was. it doesn’t work. jeonghan had already made up his mind. there was no point in contacting choi seungcheol when he would be forgetting about angel soon enough, anyway. but until then he’s resigned himself to listening to seungkwan, and more indirectly, the rest of the university, sigh at the romance of it all, suffering through endless speculation about who choi seungcheol’s mystery angel could be.

 for some reason it bothers him that his own name is never part of the speculation.

 he should feel relieved, reassured in his own choice to stay hidden. it should serve as confirmation that he is not fit for someone like choi seungcheol, that no one could ever even imagine them together. 

 instead, it just makes his throat tighten up and stomach drop in heart shattering disappointment.

 

 it’s another friday, him and joshua are having their usual lunch in the cafeteria, just the two of them, when something catches jeonghan’s eye.

 he’s got his spoon halfway to his mouth when he turns his head and watches choi seungcheol carefully pin a piece of white paper to the notice board by the door on the other side of the room. his stomach twists. he has a feeling he knows what the poster says.

 when he tears his eyes away joshua is giving him a meaningful look. jeonghan lowers his spoon back to his bowl, gearing up for what he knows his best friend will say.

“looks like he’s not planning on giving up anytime soon.”

 jeonghan sighs, mood souring quickly at being confronted.

“he’ll grow tired soon.” he insists, shoving a spoonful of rice into his mouth.

“really? ‘cause that’s what you said weeks ago, and now it’s been over a month and he’s still at it.”

 jeonghan doesn’t respond, instead he stares sulkily into his bowl of rice.

  he can feel joshua looking exasperated at him.“why can’t you just tell him it’s you?”

“because,” he squirms in his seat, avoiding joshua’s eyes.”it’s not _me_ he’s looking for.”

 joshua rolls his eyes.”what are you talking about?”

“he’s looking for his _angel_ ,” he spits the word out, bitterness colouring his voice as he finally verbalises the thoughts he’s harboured ever since new years eve.”he’s looking for the perfect stranger he spent a few hours with while drunk on new years eve, he’s looking for someone mysterious and exciting, not–” he sighs and gestures to himself.”this.”

“don’t talk about yourself like that.”

“he’s going to be disappointed, shua.” he snaps, words tumbling out of his mouth faster than he can process them.“he’s not going to want some skinny, broke, chemistry student with enough childhood trauma to write a dozen shitty autobiographies.”

 joshua looks pained at his words.

“jeonghan–” he tries.

“please, shua,” he looks over to the other side of the cafeteria, watches as seungcheol carefully tapes another poster to the doors. he looks back at his food.”just drop it.” 

 joshua sighs, but doesn’t push it further.

 they spend the rest of their lunch in silence.

 despite himself, something about actually witnessing seungcheol dedicate himself so fully to finding him stays with him.

 the posters are all over campus.

 every time he walks into class, a poster is on the door, loudly proclaiming _is this your ipod?_ in chunky purple letters, a photo of the ipod right below it. 

 the poster had clearly been drawn by hand and then photocopied, and the sincerity of it makes jeonghan’s heart flutter, again, despite himself.

 which is why he ends up in the library one evening, glancing around to make sure no one is watching as he opens up instagram in the web browser of a library computer. he has no trouble finding the account he’s looking for, the username having long since been ingrained in his memory.

 he scrolls through choi seungcheol’s instagram, intrigued by what he sees. joshua hadn’t been lying about choi seungcheol’s insistence on finding _angel_. littered between the aesthetically pleasing shots of coffee cups and selfies were pictures of the little purple ipod.

 _i’m afraid angel is a boy, so if ur gna try to fool me at least fulfill that category_ one caption reads, while another proudly proclaims _he was so funny, with the cutest laugh ive ever heard_ , the compliment making him smile dopily to himself, shoulders raising and head ducking down in shy delight. one picture, a close up of seungcheol’s face, the purple ipod pressed into his cheek, has a caption that makes him pause, heart stuttering in his chest as a small flower of hope blooms in his stomach. _he’s got the most kissable lips i’ve ever seen_. 

 jeonghan’s face heats up at the words, a little ashamed at being so easily affected by seungcheol’s flattery. seungcheol was a sweetheart. of course, jeonghan already knew as much, mind fondly drifting back to seungcheol’s princely manner on new years eve, but even their time together at the masquerade hadn’t prepared him for all the heart emojis and loving captions about his friends.

 before he knows it, jeonghan is carefully scrolling through seungcheol’s whole feed, greedily soaking up any little glimpse into seungcheol’s life through his many posts, pushing away any thoughts of how weird he was being.

 he travels through the last few years of choi seungcheol’s life, through pictures with what he assumes is seungcheol’s little brother, to football games and exam stress, and tries to get to know him better. he carefully notes seungcheol’s cute way of typing, the abundance of exclamation points and question marks reminding him of an excited puppy, and giggles at the fact that his selfies are all taken from the exact same angle.

 once he reaches the end of seungcheol’s account, marked by a blurry selfie of an adorable adolescent seungcheol, he leans back in his chair, a half formed thought in his head.

 he fiddles with his fingers, trying to stop them from being taken over by that familiar numbness.

 he looks into the eyes of the young choi seungcheol on his screen. the thought is scary, but how could he live with himself if he didn’t at least try?

  _this is a mistake_ , a voice whispers in the back of his head, _he doesn’t really want you_.

 he swallows around the nervous lump in his throat, before swiftly clicking on the little button saying _create account_.

 he goes through the process as quickly as possible. he decides on the username _1004ngel_ , simple and on the nose, and when the account is created he ignores the prompts to customise his profile and add a post, instead quickly searching up _9scoups5_.

 when he looks at the profile again he pauses, mouse hovering over the _follow_ button, nerves catching up to him. what if seungcheol didn’t believe him? what if he managed to figure out who he was? what if he was disappointed with the discovery?

he steels himself, grits his teeth, fights down the fear pooling in his gut.

“fuck it.” he whispers, pressing down on the mouse button. his heart beats faster as the site updates, the little button now reading _following_.

 before he changes his mind, he taps his way into seungcheol’s dms, fingers traveling across the keyboard, typing in the first five songs he can remember from his music library.

 

_sweet creature - harry styles, love me right - exo, youth - troye sivan, wind flower - mamamoo, view - shinee_

 

 once the message is sent he’s left waiting anxiously. he tries to complete his homework to distract himself, but stops every few minutes to look up at the screen in front of him, anticipating choi seungcheol’s response.

 two hours later jeonghan’s the only person left in the library, students dropping off one by one as the library’s closing time drew closer. he’d managed to finish his work, which now left him to sit nervously in front of the computer screen, staring at the unmoving chat.

 _this is getting ridiculous_ , he thinks, annoyance having long since drowned out the thrumming of nervousness. _choi seungcheol hardly seems like the type to be away from his phone for this long_.

 as if conjured by jeonghan’s thoughts, the word _read_ pops up by his message, shortly followed by three small dots flashing. jeonghan shoots up in his seat so fast he almost falls off the chair.

_tell me something else. so i know you’re not just a good guesser._

 jeonghan’s heart picks up in his chest, a nervous giggle slipping out from him. this couldn’t be happening.

  _the last played song should be imagine by ariana grande_ , he rushes to write with shaking hands. _i listened to it on the way to the masquerade._

“excuse me?” for the second time in just a couple of minutes, jeonghan is almost startled into a heart attack. he swivels around in his chair, guiltily looking up at the man standing behind him. he’s tall with big, round glasses resting on his nose, eyes looking tired behind the lenses.

“yes?” he asks, straightening up and plastering a pleasant smile on his face.

“the clock’s five past eleven,” the man explains.”we close at eleven, so i’m afraid i have to ask you to leave.”

 jeonghan nods, apologies falling from his lips as he throws his books and papers into his backpack. when he looks up at the screen to turn the computer off, seungcheol is in the middle of typing something.

 he shuts the device down before the message can arrive.

 the librarian escorts him all the way to the front entrance of the library in awkward silence. As they walk jeonghan wonders if he should strike up conversation with the man. he seemed to be about the same age as jeonghan, probably a student working part time at the library. ultimately, jeonghan elects not to speak, unsure of what he’d even say.

 once outside jeonghan gives the other man a quiet _good night_ , getting only a slight nod in response, before he hurries off to the nearest bus station.

 that night he gets very little sleep, the nerves thrumming steadily within him keeping him awake late into the night. the voice in his head restlessly scolds him over his impulsive decision to contact choi seungcheol, burying his heart in layer after layer of regret. when he finally manages to slip into sleep, it is fitful and light, and when he’s forced to roll out of bed after just a couple of hours of sleep, his body aches with tiredness.

 after hours of agonising over his actions, he’d come to the conclusion that reaching out to choi seungcheol had been a mistake, an impulsive decision made in a moment of foolish hope, and now he had to hope being ghosted would make seungcheol give up, rather than intensify his search.

 the day passes mostly in a blur, jeonghan moving through the motions of work and classes on autopilot, not even having the energy to joke around with his friends, too worn down by the lack of sleep and the nervous regret at having reached out to choi seungcheol. his friends do their best to cheer him up, seungkwan going so far to buy him a piece of chocolate before they part. it’s a kind gesture, and somewhere underneath his guilt and anxiety his heart warms up a little.

 

❃

 

 he’s in the library working on coursework after the sudden cancellation of one of his classes, notebooks and pencils laid out on the table in an organised mess. he’s sat at a desk on the highest floor of the library, deliberately having placed himself as far away from the computers as possible, trying to avoid rekindling the guilt and longing that had finally started to subside after days of exhausting torment. it’s early afternoon, the sun still shining in through the big windows of the library, and jeonghan has a lab report he needs to finish before he heads off to work at the restaurant.

 he’s pulled out of his focus when someone sits down in the chair opposite him. he flickers his gaze up, pen still spelling out a word in his notebook, intending to only give a quick check of the person who’s joined him at the table when his whole body grows icy cold. his pen falls from his grip and he has to clutch the edge of the table to stop himself from shaking, face going pale as he sits frozen in his seat.

“hi, jeonghan.” his step brother's voice makes shivers run down his spine. he can’t move, can’t think, can barely muster up the courage to breathe in the presence of someone so closely connected to the life he left behind.

“i know you probably don’t want to see me, or talk to me, or have anything to do with me,” he can only just barely understand what minghao is saying, the many thoughts rushing through his mind making it difficult for him to focus on the words coming out of his mouth.

 he was going to tell _her_ where he was. she was going to come for him again, and this time she wouldn’t give up. how stupid of him to think he could ever get away from her. she was going to kill him for running away for this long.

 he only barely notices his lungs burning from lack of air, his throat feeling too clogged with fear for his breathing to work.

“but i wanted to say i’m sorry.” the words are earnest, said with conviction and accompanied by minghao’s pretty, brown eyes going dull with regret. 

 jeonghan blinks, confused. was this a trick? he’s so caught off guard by his stepbrother’s words that he coughs, lungs finally taking in air. minghao leans forward in his seat, hands seemingly reflexively coming up to assist, but freezing awkwardly in the air between them.

“what?” is all jeonghan manages to choke out, his voice cracking, leaning back in his chair to put more distance between them.

“i know we were just children, but it wasn’t right what happened to you.” minghao’s eyes are soft and sad, his mouth pulled down in a pout, hands coming down to fold neatly on the table. jeonghan briefly wonders if he’s passed out and is having a fever dream, minghao’s words being exactly what he’s wished to hear for years now. he made efforts not to think about it too much, but he’d be lying if he claimed he’d never imagined a meeting just like this. an apology, an acknowledgement of his pain, it was all too good to be true.

“i don’t talk to her, anymore,” his stepbrother’s nose wrinkles, lips curled in something that looks like disgust. jeonghan’s never been more confused.”as far as i’m concerned i don’t have a mum.”

 he swallows, struggling to keep the hope at bay. this could still be a ruse devised by her to get him to lower his defenses.

“how did you know i was here?”

“i didn’t,” minghao shakes his head.”i just saw you here now and knew i had to talk to you.”

 jeonghan watches his step brother intently, looking for any sign of deceit or artifice, and although he finds no obvious signs, he doesn’t lower his guard. minghao had been a terrible liar when they were children, but who was to say their step mother hadn’t managed to whip him into shape?

 jeonghan leans further back in his seat, certain he must be missing something.

“is this a trick?”

 minghao shakes his head.”i wouldn’t do that.”

 deep down, jeonghan knows he wouldn’t. after his father’s passing, minghao had been his only ally in that house. there wasn’t much he could do, smaller and skinnier than jeonghan as he was, but whenever her eyes had been turned away, they’d gotten along.

 minghao takes a notebook out of his bag, and jeonghan watches silently as he opens it and scribbles something on an empty page.

“i understand if you never want to see me again,” he says, eyebrows downturned and eyes sad in a way that reminds jeonghan of when they were children. when his stepmum had berated him, or pulled at him, or humiliated him, minghao had always been there, eyes sad and guilty.”but if you ever want to talk.” he tears off the part of the paper he’d written on and slides it over the table. jeonghan can see his hand shake.

 jeonghan takes the note, carefully avoiding touching minghao’s fingers. a phone number is written neatly on the paper.

”it might be nice to have family.”

 with those words minghao gets up and leaves. jeonghan is left sitting, overwhelmed, at the table. he gets no more coursework done, too busy trying to make sense of their encounter.

 an hour later he has to rush out of the library to catch the bus to work.

 

 the meeting with minghao stays with him over the next few days. there was something deeply unnerving about coming so close to a childhood he had done his utmost to distance himself from. but at the same time, in the middle of the fear, was a sense of pride. he’d escaped that house, had evaded his stepmother’s clutches and her attempts at putting him back under her control. when she’d chased him out of his dorm she’d expected him to come crawling back to her, but he handled it himself. got himself an ugly, cold apartment and two part-time jobs with shitty pay, and he survived.

 he fought himself out of her clutches. she had no power over him anymore.

 spite is a funny thing, jeonghan thinks to himself as he sits down in front of one of the library computers exactly one week after his first message to choi seungcheol, and opens the browser version of instagram. his hands still shake, and his stepmother’s voice is still hissing derisively at the back of his mind, but he steels himself, takes a deep breath and goes to his inbox.

 there is only one message from choi seungcheol, sent just minutes after he’d been escorted out of the library after closing. it’s a simple question, short and sweet.

_what took you so long?_

 jeonghan purses his lips and casts a few looks around himself, making sure none of the students seated around him is watching him. once satisfied, he lifts his hands to the keyboard and types out a short message.

 

_i don’t have a smartphone_

 

it probably sounded like a lie, but, surprisingly, seungcheol doesn’t question him, his reply coming almost immediately. 

 

 _ah i see_  
did u see my posters then??  
i made them by hand!!

 

_i saw them  
very charming _

 

_that’s what i was going for!!_

 

_if a little desperate_

 

 _hey!_  
how dare u!  
i did this for u!

 

he giggles at seungcheol’s indignation, feeling only a little bad at teasing him for such a genuine gesture. relief settles in his gut as they chat. the way the words seemed to flow easily between them even now, screens separating them and the haze of alcohol long gone a comforting validation. maybe it hadn’t been just their circumstances making them click.

 _sorry_  
but you have to admit  
all those instagram post? and then literal posters?  
come on

 

 _i guess………_  
but i couldn’t help it  
just rly wanted to talk to u again

 

 jeonghan can feel his face grow hot. he subtly glances around himself, trying to hide his flushing cheeks from the people nearest. a few shelves away he sees the same librarian who kicked him out last time. they make brief eye contact, the librarian quirking a questioning eyebrow at him, making jeonghan duck back behind the screen. 

 

_like i said  
desperate_

 

 _you sound like my friends_  
they keep making fun of me  
calling me a “romantic idiot” or whtvr

 

_lucky for you i happen to like romantic idiots_

 

 he’s not quite sure where this flirtatious side of him is coming from, but he finds himself having fun, seungcheol quickly playing along.

 

_i mean you better  
after all the work i put in trying to find you _

 

_which is very flattering btw_

 

_flattery is my specialty, angel  
so...  _

 

_so?_

 

 _now that ive finally found you_  
a name? phone number? credit card details?  
ill settle for anything

 

 jeonghan swallows thickly, bile rising in his throat.

of course seungcheol would want to know who he was. that was the reason he’d been looking for him in the first place. for a brief moment he entertains the thought of coming clean, even types out his name and lets it sit, waiting and ready, in the chat box as he stares at it. what would happen if he told choi seungcheol who he was? seungcheol would have never heard of him, probably wouldn’t even remember their brief encounter in the cafeteria last semester. he would have to look him up on the internet to try to get even the slightest idea of who he was, and then he’d find out jeonghan didn’t exist there either. jeonghan was no one. 

 he deletes his name, but lets his fingers rest on the keyboard as he tries to make up his mind on what to say. 

 he decides to be as close to honest as he can. he didn’t want to lie to choi seungcheol.

 

_i don’t think i’m ready_

 

_ready? to reveal who you are?_

 

 _i know it sounds stupid_  
but i’m a complicated person  
a lot to deal with

 

_i get it_

 

_i’m sorry_

_dont apologise_  
we can just talk then  
get to know each other so you can be more comfortable  
would that be okay?

 

 choi seungcheol was far, far too good for him, jeonghan thinks with a flutter in his stomach, relief making his shoulders slump forward. he didn’t deserve the interest of someone so kind hearted. 

 _yeah_  
that sounds perfect  
thank you for being so understanding  
i know it’s weird

 

 _its not weird!!!!_  
srsly!! u should never just give away your info in the internet  
ur being perfectly reasonable rly  
as far as u kno i could be a creep???

 

 jeonghan rolls his eyes as he reads, seeing seungcheol’s messages for what they were: an attempt at making him feel better about his want to stay anonymous, but he appreciates it nonetheless.

i think it’s the other way around  
you need to figure out i’m not a weirdo  
or a stalker

 

_im not worried  
i doubt a stalker would ignore me for a week _

 

_ah  
i’m sorry about that _

 

_dont apologise, angel  
what have you been up to since we last saw each other? _

 

 they spend much of the afternoon chatting to each other, jeonghan making sure to be as honest as possible without giving too many details away, and seungcheol seemingly never running out of harmless questions and subtle compliments. multiple times jeonghan is forced to hide his face in the sleeves of his hoodie to muffle his giggles at a message seungcheol sent.

 when seungcheol finally excuses himself, stating football practice as his excuse, it’s with a promise to come back as soon as he can so they can talk more.

 jeonghan’s stomach growls angrily as he reads seungcheol’s message, and for a minute he sits conflicted between his want to stay and wait so he could chat more to seungcheol, and his need to leave for home so he could eat dinner. in the end, his angry stomach wins.

 

_bye bye seungcheol!_

 

_bye angel!!! can we talk again soon???_

 

 the question surprises and delights him, and he runs through his weekly schedule in his head to try to figure out when he’d have time to come to the library to borrow a computer.

 

_i’d love to talk again! i’m free the day after tomorrow after classes?_

 

_it’s a date!  
have a good night, angel ♡ _

 

 jeonghan spends the whole night whispering _date_ to himself, over and over again, voice filled with awe.

 

❃

 

 over the next few weeks, his conversations with seungcheol quickly become some of the best parts of his day, and more than once he catches himself mentally going through his finances, trying to figure out a way for him to buy a smartphone to make chatting with his prince more convenient. it’s not quite financially feasible, but if he starts keeping his lights off for most of the day and sometimes braves the early morning to walk the forty minutes it takes to get to his cleaning job, then it’s only he himself who notices.

 the third time he has to be escorted out after closing hours by the same librarian after once again staying late to chat seungcheol, the other turns to him, one eyebrow arched behind his round glasses.

“is this going to become a regular thing?” 

 jeonghan, only a little caught off guard by the question, gives him a sheepish smile.”i think there’s a risk for that.”

 the librarian nods a little, lips pursed in thought as he locks the doors behind them.

“okay,” he says when he turns around.”i’m jeon wonwoo.”

“yoon jeonghan,” he offers back, watching curiously as wonwoo shoves his hand into his backpack and digs around, seemingly looking for something. when he finds what he’s looking for, he gives jeonghan a smile, eyes curving cutely.

“want a cola?” he asks and pulls two small cans out of his backpack.

 the sudden offer pulls a laugh out of jeonghan, and had he not been so caught off guard he would have declined politely. as it was he was starving and could certainly use the calories.

“sure,” he accepts the can from wonwoo, surprised that it’s cool to the touch.”thank you.”

“which way are you heading?” wonwoo asks, the question marked by the distinct _tchhk_ of an aluminium can being opened. jeonghan follows suit.

“the bus stop by the science building.”

“cool,” wonwoo nods.”i’m going the other way, walk carefully, jeonghan.”

 and with that, wonwoo gives him a casual wave and heads off into the night. jeonghan laughs to himself at the librarian’s direct manner, sipping his cola happily as he walks to the bus stop.

❃

 

 his friends notice something is going on faster than he’d anticipated, and just over two weeks after he’s started talking to seungcheol, seungkwan decides to turn their lunch into an interrogation.

“what’s going on with you?” is all he says, eyes narrowed suspiciously, chopsticks pointing at jeonghan’s chest accusingly.

 jeonghan is left sitting, wide eyed, after seungkwan’s upfront callout.

“what do you mean?”

 seungkwan doesn’t take his gaze off of him as takes a big bite of rice.

“i’m not sure what, but,” the boy lets his eyes travel over jeonghan’s form. jeonghan looks over at joshua, feigns a confused look.”something is going on with you, hyung.”

 jeonghan gives seungkwan an unimpressed look.

“going on?” he makes his voice as bland as possible.”with me?” he raises a hand and points to himself, just to emphasise how ridiculous seungkwan was being thinking something could ever be _going on_ with jeonghan. never mind that he was actually right.

 on the other side of the table, hansol snorts into his rice, one arm coming to rest around seungkwan’s shoulders.

“seungkwan’s been a little suspicious lately,” hansol says with a smile, the hand not around seungkwan coming up to pinch his boyfriend’s cheek.”ever since he found out his sister’s been keeping her new girlfriend from him, he thinks all his friends are hiding things.”

 hansol’s words make seungkwan frown, the boy slapping the hand at his cheek away while the rest of the table laughs.

“i’m not being paranoid,” he insists, hansol rolling his eyes.”jeonghan’s been acting different!”

 jeonghan has to keep himself from casting a nervous look around the table to see his friends’ reactions to seungkwan’s insistence, instead focusing on his food, indifferent look on his face. to his great relief, seokmin steers the conversation swiftly away from him, instead talking enthusiastically about his upcoming audition for the theatre society’s spring production.

 once lunch is over, all of seungkwan’s accusations successfully dodged, joshua and jeonghan walk their usual way to class. they’re only a couple minutes away from jeonghan’s lecture hall when joshua unceremoniously shatters his whole sense of security.

“so are you going to tell me what’s going on?” trust joshua hong to always see right through his act.

 jeonghan groans.

”it’s nothing.” he insists, but can’t keep a small smile from spreading on his lips at the thought of seungcheol. curse joshua for being so hard to lie to, he thinks.

“it’s clearly not nothing,” joshua teases with a laugh, nudging him with an elbow.

 jeonghan purses his lips, contemplates keeping it from joshua, but finally decides that it would be nice to be able to talk to his best friend about his interactions with choi seungcheol.

“you have to promise not to tell anyone.” he starts, holding up a pinkie, joshua nodding enthusiastically in response.

“yeah, of course, i promise.” they lock their pinkies together, thumbs meeting over their fists.”now spill.”

 jeonghan quickly looks around them, making sure no one is paying attention to them as they walk.

“so you know choi seungcheol–”

“you contacted him?!” joshua’s voice is loud in his excitement, one of his hands coming up to grab jeonghan’s arm as jeonghan tries to shush him.

“no need to yell,” jeonghan admonishes, but the heat is lost through his own big grin.”but, yes, i did.”

“damn, jeonghan, i didn’t think you had it in you,” joshua says with disbelief, locking their arms while jeonghan splutters indignantly.

“what made you change your mind?”

 the question makes him sober up and pull on their linked arms to slow their steps.

“i saw minghao again.” he states, a blank look on his face.

 joshua pulls them to a stop.”what? when? are you okay?” the questions flow from his best friend’s mouth quickly, gentle eyes frantically scanning jeonghan up and down in an irrational search for physical traces of the meeting so many weeks ago. 

“i’m fine,” jeonghan says, keeping his voice light in an attempt at easing joshua’s worry. it hardly works, joshua only pulling him closer by their linked arms. the love in joshua’s eyes makes something heavy form in jeonghan’s stomach, feelings he’s refused to acknowledge since he saw minghao bubbling up again now that his best friend is here. joshua had a way of making jeonghan vulnerable, of making him feel safe and loved in a way no one had before, and with that came an ability of making jeonghan’s emotions burst through the surface with even the slightest prodding, no matter how hard jeonghan tried to resist.

“he said he was sorry.” jeonghan’s not about to cry, so when his eyes start blinking quickly it’s only because of the wind.”and that he’s broken off contact with her.”

"that's good to hear," joshua's voice is so unbearably soft that jeonghan can only hum quietly in response, gaze still averted from his best friend.

“and what does minghao have to do with seungcheol?” joshua pries gently.

 jeonghan shrugs.”i don’t know,” he raises a hand to pull at the strings of his hoodie.”i just realised i got away from her.” he twists the strings around his fingers, once, twice.”things are better now.”

“you’re so brave, jeonghan.” his best friend’s voice is full of admiration, making jeonghan reach out to hit him in the chest, cheeks flushing.

“shut up, i’m really not.”

“you are though,” joshua tugs on their linked arms and they start walking again.”i’m proud of you.”

“thanks,” jeonghan’s cheeks feel flushed, and he has to keep his eyes set on the ground to make sure no one catches the wetness in them.”he’s very nice.”

“i should hope so.” joshua teases, jeonghan bumping their shoulders together in response.”what do you two talk about?”

 he hums at the question.“everything, i guess,” his heart is steadily increasing pace as he thinks of seungcheol and their long conversations, smile creeping onto his face.”he’s really easy to talk to.”

“have you met up at all?”

 for a split second, jeonghan freezes up, making both of them stumble in their pace. joshua reads him with one quick look.

“you haven’t told him who you are yet, have you?”

 joshua’s tone isn’t accusing, not directly, at least, but jeonghan can still sense the hint of disapproval buried beneath the simple question. he shuffles his feet and breaks their linked arms, creating some distance between them.

“not yet,” he confesses, pulling his hoodie up over his head.”he said it was okay that i wasn’t ready.”

 joshua sighs beside him, and jeonghan doesn’t need to look at him to know the face he’s making is a tired one, exhausted from jeonghan’s relentless avoidance.

“don’t be like that.” he reaches out to take joshua’s hand in an attempt to soothe his best friend.”i just want to get to know him better first.”

 joshua gives him a calculating look, no doubt trying to figure him out.

“i don’t want anyone to get hurt,” jeonghan tries to explain, voice soft. they both know who it is jeonghan is trying to keep from getting hurt.

 joshua sighs and rubs his face with one of his hands, but when he looks at him again, it’s with a small, sad smile.

”okay, jeonghannie.” and this is why joshua would always be too good for him, with his unrelenting support and unquestioning loyalty. joshua who joins him in his antics, who listens to him rant and who always knows where to prod to get him to open up. jeonghan gives his best friend’s hand a squeeze, joshua returns it immediately.

“i’ll see you after class?”

“of course,” jeonghan promises, heading into the science building.

 

❃

 

 he’s in the library again, it’s lunch time and usually he would be sitting alone in the cafeteria at this time, none of his friends sharing the same lunch time, but instead he’s seated in front of a library computer, covertly shoving bites of rice into his mouth when no one is looking. he felt a little bad about breaking the rules about food by the computers, but he figured as long as he wasn’t making too much of a mess it would be okay. besides, he’d seen wonwoo sip on a can of soda while pushing his book cart up and down the library walls, which he thought could work as good blackmail material were he to get caught.

 he’s, predictably, tapping his way to seungcheol’s instagram profile to see what the other man had been up to since they last spoke. they hadn’t chatted for almost three days, and jeonghan was big enough to admit he missed the other boy. their conversations had become an integral part of his everyday life, and multiple times a day he’d see something or hear something that made him want to rush to the library just so he could tell seungcheol about it. he felt stupid whenever he thought about it, but that didn’t change the fact that seungcheol had become one of his closest friends.

 when seungcheol’s profile finishes loading, his eyes immediately fall on the newest picture, the sight making him choke on his bite of food in surprise. his hand moves of its own accord, opening the picture up all the while he’s trying to swallow his food without suffocating.

 jeonghan stares at the picture on his screen, mouth hanging slightly open. it was a picture of seungcheol, mask covering the lower part of his face and a bucket hat pulled low on his head, making him have to tilt his head up to look into the camera, pretty eyes making contact with him through the screen. but none of that was registering in jeonghan’s mind, his entire focus being on seungcheol’s bare arm, defined bicep proudly on display, uncaring of what impact such a thing would have on poor, unsuspecting victims like jeonghan.

 someone walks past him where he sits in front of the computer and jeonghan hurries to close the picture down, face flushing at the thought of being caught staring at seungcheol so shamelessly. he clicks his way into seungcheol’s dms and types out a message, feeling pleased when seungcheol responds immediately.

 

_hey do you think you could get me tickets?_

 

_tickets? to what?_

 

 jeonghan grins mischievously to himself, holding back cackles as he swiftly sends seungcheol’s picture into their chat.

 

_to the gunshow_

 

message sent, he leans back in his seat, satisfied, to wait for seungcheol’s response.

 

_looooool  
my friends made me post that _

 

_sure they did_

 

_i swear!  
its not even that good a picture _

 

_oh shut up cheollie_

 

_so you approve of the pic?_

 

_of course i do_

 

_stalk my insta a lot, angel???  
miss my face that much? _

 

 face flushing, jeonghan scrunches his nose a little. he didn’t appreciate being called out on his very obvious crush. running his fingers through his hair he decides to teach seungcheol a lesson.

 

_i suddenly have to go_

 

_noooo pls dont go angel_

 

_i just have too much homework_

 

_))))):_

 

_bye bye cheollie_

 

 and with that he exits out of the conversation with a simple click. determined to not let seungcheol get away with teasing him so obviously. _can’t let him know how much power he has over you_ , he thinks to himself with a decisive nod, turning his attention to the lab report still laying unfinished among his things.

 he manages to stay focused for an impressive seventeen minutes during which he gets one paragraph further into his report. when he scoots his notebook to the side in favour of pulling the keyboard closer to him, it’s with an excited flutter of mischief in his stomach, a childish delight at indulging in something he shouldn’t. he had so much he wanted to talk to seungcheol about, his thoughts straying to the conversations with his friends earlier the same day.

 tapping his way back into seungcheol’s dms he rolls his eyes fondly at the sulky _bye angel ))))):_ seungcheol had sent after he’d left.

 

_seungcheollie_

 

_ur back!!!!!!  
couldn’t stay away huh _

 

_maybe i’ll go back to my homework…_

 

_noooooo angellllll ): i wanna talk to you_

 

 jeonghan hides his grin in the sleeve of his shirt, the image of seungcheol whining for him to stay and talk an impossibly endearing one. how could one man be so unbearably adorable?

 

_ah i guess i’ll just have to indulge you, then_

 

_always indulge me angel~ and i promise i’ll do the same~_

 

 _it’s a deal_  
anyway  
my friends are getting suspicious

 

_suspicious????_

 

_i haven’t told them about this  
you _

 

 _huh_  
my friends are annoyed cause they say i “wont shut up" about you  
are you embarrassed of me lol

 

 _no no no!_  
never!  
please don’t think that!

 

_i was just teasing angel  
i don’t mind being your little secret _

 

 jeonghan has to fight down a blush as he reads seungcheol’s message, and mentally he scolds himself for having such a thought about seungcheol, someone he’d barely met. but it doesn’t matter that he shouldn’t twist seungcheol’s messages in such a way, it still doesn’t keep his heart from speeding up, or his breath from catching in his throat.

 

_tell me about your friends_

 

 jeonghan smiles at the thought of his friends, at this point fairly used to seungcheol’s quick swerving between topics. he’d grown terribly fond over the way he’d say something heart fluttering one second, and in the next be telling jeonghan of something silly his teammates had done at practice.

 

 _i have actually told one of my friends about you_  
my best friend  
he’s the nicest person i’ve ever met i swear  
he’s really handsome and charming, but then when you get to know him you realise he’s a huge weirdo

 

they spend the evening chatting about their respective friends, jeonghan keeping his nameless, while seungcheol tells him detailed stories of the antics of his friends. one story in particular has jeonghan choking back laughter, his whole face shoved into the sleeves of his hoodie to keep the sound from disturbing the other students in the library. he ends up neglecting his coursework for the rest of the evening, wonwoo rolling his eyes at him when he divulges that he’d been too distracted to finish his work when they leave together after closing, sipping a soda each. 

 the next morning, despite his heavy eyelids, jeonghan’s got a happy smile on his face as he sits on his bus to work and scribbles his report down.

 

❃

 

 all things considered, it wasn’t that strange that jeonghan had yet to see seungcheol on campus since they started talking. their university was big, with thousands of students and more buildings than jeonghan could list if asked, so the fact that they never ended up in the same place at the same time wasn’t all that unexpected.

 which is why he’s so caught off guard when one day, in the middle of a lecture, he throws a glance out of the window, and sees seungcheol walk by.

 his heart skips several beats in his chest, his face is overcome with an excited smile before he even realises, and he has to stop himself reaching up to wave at the other boy as he walks past him, just a few metres away.

 seungcheol looks just as handsome as jeonghan remembers him, his messy black hair fluttering in the wind where it sticks out from under his beanie. he’s got a wide smile on his face and his cheeks are flushed, probably having just finished laughing at something his friend had said. jeonghan wishes he’d spotted him a few seconds earlier, so he could have seen him laugh.

 seungcheol continues on his way, completely oblivious of jeonghan’s longing eyes training after him. jeonghan spends the rest of his lecture drawing hearts in hi notebook, some whole, others with a sad crack down the middle, a messy expression of the mix of excitement and bitterness at having been so close to seungcheol, and yet so far.

 later, when he’s once again tucked into a chair in front of a library computer, ready to talk to seungcheol, the bitterness at not being able interact with him in person washes away, too elated at the prospect of chatting to seungcheol to be upset. even just the thought of seungcheol made his day better, gave him something to look forward to that made his breathing stutter and heart skip beats. it was a new feeling, something he’d never felt before. he’d tried to explain the feeling to joshua, trying to put into words how much talking to seungcheol meant to him, but nothing seemed adequate. joshua had told him he was in love, which jeonghan had promptly denied. it was a crush, nothing more serious than that.

he grins to himself as he types out his first message to seungcheol for the evening.

 

_i saw you today_

 

_what???? where??? when???_

 

_you walked past when i was in my lecture  
you were with your short friend, the cute one _

 

_what building???  
and lol im letting jihoon know u think he’s cute _

 

_i’m not telling you! it’s a secret  
he is cute, he looks nice _

_cmoooooooon_  
angel you should have said hi  
i would have loved to see you ):  
wow im not gna be able to protect u from jihoon’s wrath after he hears about this

 

jeonghan considers ignoring seungcheol’s first messages, and instead keeping up their teasing about seungcheol’s friend, thus avoiding the dreaded conversation about his identity. in the end, he cares too much about seungcheol to just leave him hanging like that, deciding that at the very least he owed the other an apology.

 

_i’m sorry that i’m so shy_

 

 _dont be sorry angel_  
i dont mind being like this  
even if id love to see you in person again

 

_you’re so nice seungcheol  
makes my heart flutter_

 

_just talking to you is enough angel_

 

if jeonghan had a smartphone, and was able to use emojis, he’d be sending seungcheol a million heart emojis right about now, words to express his gratitude and intense _like_ for seungcheol escaping him.

 

_how have you been since the last time we talked?_

 

he settles for changing the topic, hoping to turn their conversation into something more lighthearted. he tucks his hair behind his ear as he waits for seungcheol respond, fingers drumming on the edge of the keyboard.

 

_my family’s driving me crazy_

 

_why?_

 

_im three quarters done with my degree  
and my parents are still trying to make me change _

 

_damn  
got to admire their persistence _

 

_forreal_

 

_what do they want you to change to?_

 

_~business~  
or something else they think is more valuable _

 

_how cliche of them_

 

_glad im not the only one who thinks that!!  
at least they have my little brother to be proud of _

 

_don’t say that  
i’m sure they’re still proud of you _

 

_i appreciate the sentiment, but they’re really not_

 

_):_

 

 _it’s fine tho_  
my lil bro is everything they could ever want  
so it takes some of the pressure off

 

_you just dumped all parental expectations onto him huh_

 

 _haha i suppose i did_  
not my fault he can play three instruments  
does ballet  
and dreams of being a doctor like mum

 

 jeonghan’s eyebrows are up by his hairline as he writes his next message, seungcheol’s brother was every parent’s dream.

 

_oh wow  
your little brother is the perfect son _

 

_yeah  
and as if that wasn’t enough he’s absolutely adorable _

 

 jeonghan smiles to himself, heart swelling a bit at seungcheol’s message. he thinks back to seungcheol’s instagram feed and the many pictures of seungcheol and his brother, it warms his heart. something told him his prince had quite the soft spot for his younger brother.

 

_you love him a lot_

 

 _what can i do_  
got a weakness for everything cute  
why do you think i refused to leave you alone at the masquerade

 

 upon reading seungcheol’s last message jeonghan chokes on his breath. his cheeks heat up impossibly fast and he ducks his head to the table, covering his head with his arms to stop himself from giggling excitedly in the silent library.

he’s not sure how long he freaks out for, but when he’s finally upright in his seat again, seungcheol has sent three more messages.

 

 _angel?_  
you there?  
fuck was that too much???? im sorry if it was

 

 jeonghan’s heart skips another beat and he begs it to calm down, he couldn’t afford to be sent to the doctor with heart palpitations. his hands tremble when he resumes writing.

s _orry  
i almost died _

 

_hit me up if u need cpr_

 

 jeonghan chokes on his spit, his flustered state being quickly exchanged for exasperation.

 

_seungcheol!_

 

_what im just being helpful  
what's your family like? _

 

seungcheol's quick swerve back to the topic of family takes him by surprise, and he finds himself pausing at the question.

 he wasn't about to disclose his whole family tragedy just like that. seungcheol was a welcome reprieve from the weight of his past and his current everyday routine, the last thing he wanted was to make him pity him. at the same time, seungcheol had shared something so personal with him, it felt unfair to not give anything in return. finally, he settles for

 

_complicated_

 

_how so?_

_i’m kind of an orphan_

 

 it was only partly a lie. his biological parents were dead, and his stepmother hardly counted as a parent, no matter what the legal documents said.

 

_fuck  
im sorry _

 

_haha why are you apologising?  
did you kill my parents? _

 

_well no  
but it's gotta suck _

 

_oh i assure you it does_

 

_do you have any other family?_

 

_i’m not sure_

 

_??_

 

 he thinks back to minghao. pictures his guilty eyes and trembling hands as he slid his peace offering across the table.

 he'd memorized the number. had keyed it into his phone countless times, thumb hovering over the call button, only to, in the end, delete it.

 

_i didn’t think i did  
but now i don't know _

 

_what do you mean?  
found a rich uncle whose money ur gonna inherit? _

 

_sadly nothing quite so lucky  
someone i haven’t seen in years reached out to me a while ago _

 

_that's nice!!!_

 

_we didn't split on the most… amicable terms_

 

_ah okay  
that complicates things _

 

 _they gave me their number_  
said something about how it might be nice to “have family”  
but the thing is i haven’t had family since long before i left home  
and i’m doing better than i have for most of my childhood

 

_maybe they arent_

 

_what do you mean?_

 

_maybe they need you_

 

 jeonghan pauses, fingers hovering over the keyboard.

 he thinks of minghao, alone and abandoned the way he’d been when he left. it was hard, leaving home for the first time. even harder when you had no one to fall back on. the amount of times eighteen-year-old jeonghan had wished he’d had someone to call, someone to ask for advice. someone to buy him groceries those months when he’d messed up his planning.

 maybe minghao needed him.

 he doesn’t write a reply to seungcheol. instead, he fishes his phone out of his backpack and quickly types out a message. _do you want to meet up? i think maybe we should talk._ his thumb hovers over the send button for a few seconds. did he want to do this? pressing send meant inviting minghao back into his life, and while he supposed he could technically change his mind later, something about reaching out to his stepbrother felt final, like something that couldn’t be undone. if he pressed send he would be a big brother again.

 he doesn’t register himself pressing send, but once it’s done he lays the phone down in front of him, a sense of calm coming over him. it feels right, natural. he doesn’t know what minghao will say, maybe he’d had a change of heart and didn’t want to reconnect, but he realises that he wants this. he wants to see his stepbrother, wants to know how he’s doing and make sure he’s eating properly.

 minghao replies in under a minute, and jeonghan wastes no time opening it so he can read what he says.

  _yes id love to!! just say when and where and ill be there hyung!!_

 a soft smile takes form on jeonghan’s face.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from seungcheol's pov this is a social media au
> 
> see yall in another three months when i finally manage to finish this thing looool


	3. iii

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “something is definitely going on with you.” seungkwan’s sudden appearance next to him makes him startle, a surprised laugh slipping out at the way seungkwan had popped out from behind a nearby tree.
> 
> "were you hiding behind that tree?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took far longer than it should have, but it's finally here and i hope you enjoy it
> 
> (this one's for megan, bc her encouragement and love for this fic made me so so happy and gave me the push to hurry and finish it ♡)

 it’s uncomfortable.

they’re both fiddling with their drinks, avoiding eye contact, the silence hanging heavy between them.

buying coffee wasn’t usually part of jeonghan’s budget, the expensive drinks always seeming the most sensible thing to give up for the sake of living economically. but for this meeting it had felt necessary. he needed to meet minghao on neutral ground, but also somewhere they could talk undisturbed by the loud crowd usually inhabiting the cafeteria, so a quiet cafe off campus was the best option, despite his wallet shedding tears.

the nerves grow in jeonghan’s belly as more time passes with neither of them talking. when he takes a quick peek at minghao he can see the tips of his ears shining red as his eyes are trained on the table. this couldn’t go on, he couldn’t bear the quiet.

“how have you been?” he hadn’t planned on being the one to talk first, but he could only make them both suffer for so long, besides, he had work at the restaurant after this.

minghao shoots up at his words, eyes wide, a hint of excitement in them.

“i’ve been okay!” his mouth still stumbles over the foreign words in his hurry, even after all these years, and jeonghan can’t help but find it endearing.”i have a lot of schoolwork, but i promise i’m working hard!”

jeonghan smiles, despite himself.

“that’s nice,” he says pleasantly.”but i meant since i left.”

minghao seems to deflate at the words, going back to fiddling with the straw in his drink.

“still okay, i guess.” jeonghan watches as minghao lifts a skinny shoulder in a shrug. was the kid not eating properly?”things didn’t change much after you left.”

“i think she was waiting for you to come crawling back or something. she kept saying–” he pauses, squirms in his seat, evidently not wanting to repeat her words.

“what did she say, minghao?” he coaxes carefully. he wants to know what she’d been saying about him in his absence. it could hardly be worse than anything she said to him when he was still living in her house.

“just stuff about how you were weak, useless.” the blush on his ears spreads down over his face.”she said you were stupid like your mum.”

jeonghan has to roll his eyes at the absurdity. what did that woman know about his mum?

”how shameless of her.” he doesn’t try to hide the bitterness in his voice. 

“when you didn’t come back she started getting angrier.” minghao lifts a hand to tug nervously at his earlobe.”she yelled a lot.”

jeonghan sits up straighter at minghao’s words, eyebrows furrowed.

“did she hurt you?” he asks, heart heavy in his chest with misplaced guilt. logically, he knew it wasn’t his fault if she redirected her cruelty to minghao after he’d escaped, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to feel responsible.

minghao shrugs again, his lips pursed in thought.

”not really,” he’s quiet for a few seconds, seemingly choosing his words carefully.”at some point she stopped.”

“stopped yelling?”

“stopped existing.” minghao clarifies, but he must have realised jeonghan didn’t understand, for he continues to explain.”she hardly spoke to me, just walked around the house like a ghost.”

“at night she’d drink,” minghao says, voice casual, like it was something normal. jeonghan’s gut wrenches, dormant anger awakening as minghao tells him of his stepmother.”that’s when she’d start yelling again.”

minghao’s face transforms into something different, apologetic.”she burnt all your stuff.”

this fact startles a laugh out of jeonghan. his stepmother had always been dramatic, ever since she first entered his life she’d been a source of turmoil and distraction, always desperate for attention. when jeonghan got sick as a child, she’d often claim to be coming down with something worse, demanding jeonghan’s dad redirect his attention from his son to her. when jeonghan did well in school, his stepmother would find something minghao had outdone him in. she was a jealous character. jealous and prideful.

it's this fact that stands out to him. the reminder of his stepmother’s petty character sparks a realisation in him, a realisation that buries any hurt at having his possessions destroyed, because her reaction makes one thing abundantly clear. his escape had affected her. his survival had _hurt_ her. whether it was her pride or just her perceived ownership of him, jeonghan getting away from that house had struck a heavy blow to her hateful character.

he leans back in his seat, struck with disbelief and a little bit of guilt. knowing he hurt her, in some small way, felt good. it felt like _winning_.

“good,” he tells minghao, a grin on his face. minghao tilts his head in confusion.”that means she finally owns no part of me.”

minghao’s eyes curve as he smiles.

they chat idly over the next couple of hours, gently trying to bridge the gap that the woman that should have been their mother had created between them with her cruelty. minghao tells jeonghan about his first year at university, about the classes he likes(dancing, fashion design and, to jeonghan’s great surprise, philosophy) and the classes he can’t stand(economics and business, which he’d both taken out of what he himself called a “misguided attempt at becoming a well-rounded young man”), and in turn jeonghan tells him about the years that have passed. he spares minghao the details of why he left the dorms, feeling no need to recount how one brief visit from his stepmother had left him too scared to stay, and instead focuses on his friends. he tells him about joshua and the shenanigans they got up to while they were still roomies, and shares stories of his other friends, how much they mean to him, how loved they make him feel.

despite their pleasant chatting, a question has been gnawing at jeonghan’s insides since they abandoned talk of their childhood home, and when their conversation comes to a pause, he forces himself to ask.

“so if you’re not talking to her,” he’s loathes to be dragging their conversation back to their past, but it’s been digging at him, how minghao was getting by all on his own. jeonghan had been lucky, getting four years of tuition paid by a scholarship had been a gift from the heavens, and with the small sum of money his father had left him that he’d gained access to upon becoming a legal adult, he’d managed to pay for his first year at the dorms. while jeonghan had no doubt minghao was clever and studious, the chances of the boy having managed to score a scholarship to pay for both tuition and accommodation were impossibly small.”how are you paying for school?”

minghao, to jeonghan’s great surprise, grins, wide and conspiratory.”i didn’t just leave on a whim, you know.”

“i planned it for a while,” minghao explains, playing with the straw in his drink.”i knew i wanted to get away from her, and the best way to do that was by getting into university and then cutting contact.”

he explains it in a very factual manner, _if i want a i need to do b_ , and jeonghan can tell that this was something minghao planned for a long time. 

“but how are you paying for it?” he needed to know, because they might not have seen each other in years, might not be related by blood, but he was still minghao’s brother, and it was his job to look after him. he had to make sure he had everything sorted out with school, because if not, it was jeonghan’s job to sort it. the thought pains him, but he knows that if need be, he’d drop out for minghao. if minghao needed money for school, jeonghan wouldn’t hesitate to quit school so he could work full time.

“i told mum i needed all four years’ tuition in one go, and she gave it to me.” minghao’s still playing with his straw, using it to push the ice at the bottom of his cup around.”then i just paid for the first year and kept the rest.”

jeonghan nods, it made sense. his family had been rich, once upon a time. after the death of his dad, that fortune had been put in the hands of his stepmother, and jeonghan had a feeling it diminished quickly after that, but it was comforting to know that his stepmother wasn’t selfish enough to keep an education away from her own son.

“and she hasn’t tried to contact you? she hasn’t–” he swallows, memories flashing to his stepmother standing furious outside the entrance of his dorm, curses and insults pouring from her mouth with such viciousness that he’d thought his skin was going to break, parting to expose his flesh and bones for all the world to see.“showed up at all?”

minghao shakes his head, and despite his smile, jeonghan can see the hurt clear as day in his eyes.

“not as much as a text.”

jeonghan’s gut clenches at minghao’s words, making him reach out to hold his hand. jeonghan had always known his stepmother didn’t love him, even before his dad had passed away. so while he had felt hurt and sadness and fear, at least he had been spared the deep, gut-wrenching betrayal that comes with the realisation that your parent has no intentions of being better, of earning your love back. minghao had loved his mother, and had thought she loved him in return. he left her, but it was her refusal to change that ultimately made her lose her son. 

jeonghan threads their fingers together and offers his brother a smile, small and understanding, before he easily changes the subject to something lighter.

 when they part, minghao surprises him by reaching out for a hug, the younger curling in on himself against his older brother. the contact is sudden and a touch too intimate for the walls of the cafe, but jeonghan finds he doesn’t mind, only winds his arms around minghao’s shoulders and pats his back lovingly. before he can change his mind, he asks minghao if he’d want to join him for lunch in the cafeteria the following week, to meet his friends. minghao agrees with great enthusiasm.

 

❃

 

_i took your advice_

 

_what advice_

 

_i reached out to my relative_

 

_oh!  
did it go well? _

 

_it did  
surprisingly _

 

_that’s great to hear!_

 

_i’m introducing him to my friends_

 

_im so happy for you!!!_

 

_thank you, seungcheol  
you give good advice _

 

_it’s my pleasure angel_

  
❃

 

introducing minghao to his friends is at first an awkward affair. to everyone but joshua, jeonghan had always made sure to be sparse with the details of his past, but over the years they’d known each other seokmin, seungkwan, and even hansol, had managed to put together a picture of jeonghan’s childhood home, and it wasn’t a pretty one.

minghao stands squirming in place by their table, knuckles going white with how hard he’s clutching his tray as he’s stared down. seokmin and hansol, bless their sweet souls, are both staring, wide eyed and confused, eyes shifting between jeonghan and the boy they’ve just been introduced to as jeonghan’s stepbrother. seungkwan is not as forgiving, eyes hard and hostile as he glares at minghao, clearly not willing to welcome the new boy. it made jeonghan’s heart clench, but not from discomfort or shame, but love. seungkwan was one of the sweetest boys he’d ever met, upbeat and goofy, but also fiercely protective. despite the uncomfortable tension created by his obvious dislike of minghao, jeonghan’s heart couldn’t help but swell at seungkwan’s vigilant protective instincts.

“i hope you guys don’t mind me inviting him,” he tries to dispel the situation slightly, hoping to ward off seungkwan’s hostility and the others’ blatant shock. retrospectively, he should have probably given them all a warning before having minghao show up to their lunch table.

“of course not!” joshua is quick to catch on, directing a kind smile at the nervous minghao.”it’s nice to finally meet you, i’m joshua.”

“nice to meet you.” minghao says, quick but polite, followed by an awkward bow, and jeonghan notices how his grip on the tray loosens minutely.

“this is seokmin, my boyfriend,” joshua continues the introductions. upon having his name said, seokmin’s face instantly morphs into a sunny smile, and he offers minghao a soft _hello_ from where he sits next to joshua.”and this is hansol and seungkwan.”

 hansol’s reaction to being addressed is much like seokmin’s, his confusion melting off his face and replaced by a goofy grin full of teeth. seungkwan is more hesitant, but he stops outright glaring and adopts something more neutral.

“it’s nice to meet you,” hansol says from the other side of the table. as he speaks he throws a glance at his boyfriend, and without hesitation he turns back to minghao.”don’t mind seungkwan, he’s like a cat, you need to let him come to you first.”

the flippant explanation makes the rest of the friend group burst out in shocked laughter, even minghao letting out a surprised giggle at the comment, while seungkwan chokes on an indignant _hey, that’s not true_.

“you can sit here, minghao,” jeonghan offers softly once he notices minghao not making a move to sit down, gesturing to the chair next to him. minghao seems grateful for the invitation, hurrying the few steps over to the table and taking a seat. jeonghan doesn’t miss the way he scoots his chair a little closer to his, seemingly seeking support from his older brother. it’s a sweet gesture, and had they been alone he would have cooed at his stepbrother, as it is he merely starts up a conversation, doing his best to mediate between his friends and minghao.

things go on well, hansol and minghao hitting it off immediately, and while seungkwan seems annoyed at their new found connection at first, it only lasts for a few minutes before minghao throws out a comment, something witty and sharp and at jeonghan’s expense, that has seungkwan in stitches, the poor boy bending over the table choking on his rice as he laughs. it seems minghao manages to win seungkwan over with that one comment, because once lunch is over and they’re set to part, seungkwan is the one who invites minghao to eat with them whenever he has time.

 

❃

 

jeonghan pulls his jacket tighter around him and burrows his face deeper behind his scarf. the early spring sun was a refreshing break from the past week’s continuous rain, but it did little to bring warmth to jeonghan’s shuddering form where he’s sat on the bleachers by the university’s outside sports field. he’d lied to both joshua and minghao about where he was, and while he felt bad, his guilt didn’t outweigh his need to see seungcheol. ever since he first saw him from the window of his lecture, it was like it had triggered an itch within him that only seeing the other boy could scratch. every week he sits in his seat by the window, not even pretending to be taking notes, as his eyes stay trained on the pathway below, desperate to catch a glimpse of the boy that had become so important to him.

after a few weeks, however, catching only a glimpse of seungcheol once a week wasn’t enough. so here he is, shivering and snivelling, trying not to think of how creepy this was of him.

he’s the only one there, unsurprisingly, seeing as it’s mid-march and this is the university football team’s first outside practice for the term. not many came to watch the university teams train, even fewer came to watch in the biting march wind.

jeonghan had debated with himself for the past week about whether he was going to go watch seungcheol train or not. he feared being noticed, that seungcheol would, somehow, take a look up at the bleachers and figure out who he was. in the end his own curiosity and quickly growing crush had won, and here he was, beanie pulled low over his forehead and big sunglasses on, watching seungcheol and his team warm up.

he’d brought a textbook with him, less intent on actually studying, and more to make it look like he wasn’t just there to shamelessly ogle at one of the players. he’s got the book open on his lap, hands holding down the pages to keep them from fluttering in the wind, eyes trained on seungcheol’s form as he runs laps with the rest of his team. he’s wearing the same football uniform as the rest of the team, but in jeonghan’s humble opinion he looks leagues better than his teammates, especially with the way his dark hair rests disheveled on his head, mussed up by the wind. he briefly wonders what it would feel like to run his hands through those dark locks, and his stomach swoops at the thought of seungcheol looking all disheveled and flushed because of him.

once brought out of his fantasies, jeonghan watches, transfixed, as the team moves on from running laps to some kind of footwork exercise, one at a time quickly maneuvering around orange cones laid out on the field, most of them tripping up in the middle of the little course where the cones are placed closer together. when it’s seungcheol’s turn jeonghan leans forward to watch even more eagerly, tilting his head forward so he can watch over the rim of his sunglasses. seungcheol moves fast and efficiently through the course, never hesitating once, and even from his place at the top of the bleachers, jeonghan can make out the way seungcheol’s thighs work under his shorts. the sight makes his mouth run dry, one of his hands coming up to his lips, teeth absently biting at his nails as he appreciates seungcheol’s form. 

once he’s made it through the course(without stumbling even once, jeonghan proudly notes) seungcheol jogs back to the rest of his team, and just as he joins up with the other players he throws a look in jeonghan’s direction, making him whip his head down in panic, pretending he hadn’t just been drooling seconds prior, face beet red. he swallows thickly and buries himself as far down his scarf as possible, casting a quick glance up behind his sunglasses to make sure seungcheol isn’t still looking in his direction. but seungcheol’s attention has long since been pulled back to his team and the loud directions barked out by their coach. 

he spends the rest of seungcheol’s practice watching him intently, periodically ducking down into his book whenever his object of affection gets too close or looks in his direction. when he slinks away from the sports field, ten minutes before practice is due to finish, his fingers ache from the cold, but his gut is burning with a pleasant warmth.

when he returns to his flat, minghao is there. his brother is sitting curled up on the floor, laptop in front of him, tapping away. jeonghan avoids his gaze as he undresses, desperately hopes minghao won’t question the flush on his cheeks.

“how was work?” for a split second, jeonghan freezes, having briefly forgotten the lie he told earlier about picking up an extra shift at the restaurant. he debates telling minghao the truth, but ultimately decides not to, not even knowing where to begin.

“fine,” he settles for, putting his backpack on the ground by the bathroom door.”it wasn’t very busy, so i got to leave early.”

minghao’s eyes tell him he doesn’t believe him, which doesn’t really surprise him, minghao had always been perceptive, but to jeonghan’s great relief he doesn’t question him, only pats the space next to him and says,

“i’ve found a new reality show i think you’d like.”

jeonghan makes an interested noise and joins his brother on the mattress, curling up with him under the blanket.

he’d tell him soon, he decides. if minghao was going to be a constant in his life, even closer to him than joshua, then he should know about the boy who’d managed to weasel his way into jeonghan’s life and heart, despite not being physically present.

in the end, he can’t keep his excursion to the football field and seungcheol’s practice a secret for long, and later that night when minghao has fallen asleep on the mattress as he’s started doing lately, jeonghan locks himself in the bathroom and calls joshua.

“what’s up?” comes joshua’s usual greeting through the speaker. jeonghan plants himself on the closed lid of the toilet, a wide smile on his face.

“i went to see him today,” he breathes out, quiet voice brimming with excitement. he pictures seungcheol from today in front of him, his messy hair and wide excited eyes as he went through the drills. jeonghan had marveled at seungcheol’s positive nature, how even when the team messed up an exercise, he never faltered in his encouragement or motivation. it was inspiring.

“you saw him!?” joshua practically shrieks on the other end, making jeonghan pull his phone from his ear to save his hearing.”where? what happened? what did he say?”

“shua, calm down!” jeonghan has to choke back his laughter at his friend’s excitement, desperately muffling the sound in his sleeve, not wanting to wake minghao.”we didn’t talk!”

joshua goes strangely quiet on the other end.

“shua?”

“jeonghan i love you and i’ll always support you,” his voice has taken on a much more subdued tone, and jeonghan has no idea where this is going.”but i’m not sure if sleeping with him this fast i–”

“i didn’t sleep with him!” jeonghan can feel his face grow hot, and he barely manages to hiss the words into the receiver, too mortified by joshua’s assumption.”what the fuck, shua?”

“you said you went to see him, and then you tell me you ’didn’t talk’? what am i supposed to think?”

jeonghan stutters, disbelieving.“i-i can think of, like, a million things you could think instead of–” he breaks off, mind taken over by the image of seungcheol, hovering over him with that soft smile on his face. he clears his throat, skin tingling pleasantly.” _that_.”

“wow, i feel stupid now.” joshua laughs as he speaks, and jeonghan can picture his face, eyes wide with embarrassment and a slight flush to his cheeks.

“you should!” he insists, not able to hold back his own embarrassed laugh.“you know i haven’t even– whatever, let’s stop talking about this.”

“i’m so relieved,” joshua laughs again on the other end.”i was thinking i’d have to beat him up or something.”

“why would you have to beat him up?” and jeonghan is right back to blushing, this time it’s from the second hand embarrassment he feels at the thought of joshua trying to beat someone up.

“i don’t know! i’m just following my gut here!”

“that’s so dumb, shua,” he smiles fondly to himself.”but kinda sweet, i guess.”

“i’m your best friend, it’s my job to make sure no one takes advantage of you.”

“seungcheol would never take advantage of me.” jeonghan doesn’t have to think before he says it, the defence of seungcheol’s character rolling off his tongue instinctively.

“look at you, defending your boyfriend.” jeonghan chokes at joshua’s teasing.

“he’s not my boyfriend!” he hisses out desperately.”we barely know each other!”

“don’t you talk, like, every day?” jeonghan knows exactly the face joshua is making, one eyebrow raised and a small smirk on his face. jeonghan hates it.

“not–” he swallows, trying to force the blush from his face, even though joshua can’t see him.” _every_ day.”

“whatever you say, but don’t think i didn’t notice you looking at smartphones on my laptop last week.” jeonghan groans at the callout, of course joshua caught him. he considers telling the other that his searching ended up useless, because three days ago he’d caught minghao trying to dry his shoes with jeonghan’s hairdryer, which meant that jeonghan had promptly spent a sizable amount of his savings on new shoes for minghao, proper ones that would last. in the end he keeps quiet, not wanting to burden joshua with his money-problems, instead he says,

“you judge me, but wouldn’t you say it’s time i upgrade?” 

“i don’t know, i quite like that lavender thing you call a phone.” they let out matching giggles, jeonghan clutching his dear phone harder in his hand. it had served him well, he had to admit.

”but if you went to see him, but you didn’t talk, what, exactly, did you do?” jeonghan pretends to let out a bothered sigh at joshua steering the conversation back to seungcheol, happy joshua can’t see the smile on his face.

”i went to watch him train.” it comes out as a giddy whisper, his stomach fluttering as he thinks back to seungcheol training. he’d looked so handsome and cute, even from all the way where jeonghan was sitting on the bleachers. jeonghan was lucky to have managed to catch the attention of someone like seungcheol, especially since he wasn’t worthy of it.”i wore a disguise so he wouldn’t notice me.”

“so you just,” joshua’s voice is brimming with judgement, and jeonghan slumps where he sits, not expecting this reaction.”went to watch him play football, in secret, without telling him.”

“well, when you say it like that.” jeonghan concedes, feeling guilty.

“i’m just– jeonghan why can’t you be upfront with him?”

“you know why,” jeonghan squirms in his seat, feeling watched even though he’s alone in the bathroom.”i’m too much to deal with.”

“so you haven’t told him anything about you?”

“he knows a little,” jeonghan slides off the toilet seat so he can curl up under the sink, arms wrapped around his knees as he talks to joshua. this is far from what he wanted this phone call to be about.“he knows i’m an orphan who works two jobs.”

“and he’s not judging you for that, is he?” joshua’s using the voice again, the gentle one reserved for babies and scared animals. and jeonghan.

“i–” his gut clenches, words he’s not brave enough to say swirling around in his head. he swallows.”i have to go, i think i might have woken up minghao. bye, love you.”

he hangs up before joshua can respond, clutching his phone in a tight grip. he forces himself to get up, ignores the way his legs shake and focuses on getting ready for bed. he brushes his teeth, gets changed and packs up minghao’s homework that still lies spread out on the dinner table. all the while he makes sure to bury all thoughts of his conversation with joshua.

it doesn’t work. he spends most of the night awake, his body refusing to relax.

he can’t stop worrying, can’t get the thought out of his head. what would seungcheol really think of him?

they’d been talking for months, and with each conversation jeonghan let his guard slip a little further. it wasn’t something he’d questioned before, but now, when he parses through what seungcheol knows about him, he feels his insecurities flare up. seungcheol knows jeonghan is an orphan, and he knows he doesn’t have contact with most of his living family. he knows he works two jobs to get by, and he knows he is too poor for something as simple as a smartphone.

for joshua, the fact that he already knew these things and stuck around, meant that he didn’t care.

but jeonghan wasn’t convinced.

accepting the big things, that was easy. it was easy to comprehend that someone was an orphan, understanding that someone was poor was virtually a piece of cake. the big things needed little thought or reflection. big things, everyone could wrap their heads around. that wasn’t what worried him.

it was the little things. the nitty gritty. things like how slamming doors made his heart want to beat out of his chest, how dropping his carton of eggs on his way home from the shop could make him break out in tears, or how too many eyes on him at once could make his body shake with fear.

and among all these little things, there was one specific thing that worried him more than anything else.

_seungcheol_

 

_that’s me_

 

_can i ask you a question?_

 

_of course! go ahead!_

 

_in one of your posts  
with the ipod _

 

_yeah?_

 

_you wrote that i had kissable lips_

 

_correction: the most kissable lips_

 

jeonghan can’t find words to reply, already regretting bringing up the caption. it felt vain, making seungcheol repeat what he had so clearly stated for everyone to see. but he had to ask about it, had to know if seungcheol meant it, or if it was just something he’d said for the sake of it. he’s spared from explaining himself when seungcheol sends another message. 

 

_i wrote it because it’s true_  
your mouth looks like a little heart  
or a flower

 

how did choi seungcheol manage to always know what to say?

jeonghan has to squeeze his eyes shut to try to gather himself. heart beating and breathing speeding up, heavy emotions filling him like someone was pouring cement down his throat. embarrassment. shame. a stabbing feeling of dread in anticipation of when seungcheol would inevitably find out that–

 

_i’ve never been kissed_

 

once the message is sent he pulls his hands away from the keyboard as if he’s been burnt. there, now it was out in the open. the unquestionable proof of his own undesirability. the pathetic fact that the voice in his head never let him forget. he swallows, trying to stop the shame threatening to fall from his eyes. what would seungcheol think of him, knowing there had never been anyone deeming him worthy of kissing?

he sits frozen, shoulders hunched, and waits anxiously for seungcheol’s reply. waits for the rejection he’s so sure will come. the mockery and derision the voice in his head whispers to him relentlessly. _no one could ever want y_ _–_

 

_that’s an outrage_

 

relief overflows him, his shoulders slumping where he sits. a comforting mix of reassurance and validation that he should feel guilty of revelling in making the shame subside.

maybe he wasn’t completely undesirable.

he flutters his eyelids, pretends he’s not blinking away relieved tears.

 

_you really think so?_

 

_of course i do_

 

jeonghan’s lower lip wobbles, and he’s endlessly grateful that it’s late enough that he’s almost alone on the floor.

 

_but angel_  
it doesnt matter if youve kissed a hundred ppl or none at all  
that doesn’t determine your worth  
you know that right?  

 

logically, he knew, of course. logically, he knew that he’d had a lot going against him, keeping him from taking the steps a normal teenager would.

when his peers had had their first dates jeonghan had been working late hours at a convenience store. when his classmates had their first kisses jeonghan had stayed up late to catch up on homework. when others his age were given _the talk_ , jeonghan had been hiding in his room, cowering from his stepmother's cruelty.

yet all the logic in the world couldn’t drown out the shame he felt. the feeling of being unwanted. the ever-present embarrassment at being twenty and unkissed. sometimes you needed to be told you weren’t unloveable to believe it.

he swallows thickly, wiping surreptitiously at his eyes, and quickly tries to lighten up the conversation.

 

_you’re wrong though_

 

_wrong???_

 

_your lips are the most kissable ones  
obviously_

 

they spend the next twenty minutes playfully bickering over the various qualities of their lips that would make them more or less kissable. 

jeonghan is happy.

so happy, in fact, that seungkwan ambushes him a few days later when he’s on his way to class.

“something is definitely going on with you.” seungkwan’s sudden appearance next to him makes him startle, a surprised laugh slipping out at the way seungkwan had popped out from behind a nearby tree.

“were you hiding behind that tree?” he asks, curious, peering to the side where seungkwan’s backpack is abandoned on the ground by the tree.

“that’s not important.” seungkwan waves him off.”what is important is the fact that you were smiling to yourself just now.”

“what, i can’t smile now?” jeonghan tries to defend himself, wiping the smile off of his face to prove his point. if he was being honest, he knew what seungkwan was referring to. he’d found himself smiling over nothing quite a lot over the past few months, and after last night’s conversation with seungcheol it was as if nothing could take his smile from him.

seungkwan merely rolls his eyes.”you know that’s not what i meant, hyung.”

“you’re being all--” he pauses, eyes looking jeonghan up and down.”--cute. like you have a crush.”

jeonghan sputters at the (true) accusation, feeling his ears heating up.

“i have to get to class.” is all he can think of to say, dodging around seungkwan and briskly walking away. he should be nervous that seungkwan was evidently so close to figuring 

“i’m onto you, jeonghan-hyung!” seungkwan calls after him, his voice just teasing enough that jeonghan has to laugh again.

“yeah, yeah!” he calls over his shoulder, fishing his phone out of his pocket to call his personal emergency hotline.

joshua, ever the reliable one, picks up on the second ring.

“have you told seungkwan?” he asks urgently, picking up his pace when the chemistry building comes into view.

“hi, jeonghan, i’m great, thanks for asking,” joshua says with a dry voice. jeonghan waves his hand in front of him, despite joshua not being able to see him.

“joshua this is serious,” he tries to fit as much weight in his words as possible. joshua wasn’t the type to spill someone else’s secrets, but jeonghan also knew what seungkwan was like when he wanted something.”have you told seungkwan?”

“about your secret boyfriend?” joshua teases, making jeonghan flush.

“stop that.” he snaps, looking around himself to make sure no one could hear him.”seungcheol isn’t my boyfriend.”

joshua merely laughs at him, making jeonghan pout to himself.

“no, i haven’t told him anything,” joshua says once he’s finished laughing.”but it’s not like it’s hard to figure out.”

jeonghan freezes in his step.”what do you mean?”

“c’mon, jeonghan.” joshua’s tone implies that there is something obvious that jeonghan’s missing.”you’re literally a textbook case of someone having a crush.”

“no, i’m not,” jeonghan tries to insist, weaving around a crowd of people to make his way into the chemistry building.

“you keep smiling to yourself, every other conversation we have is about how sweet seungcheol is, and,” joshua’s laughing at him again.”and you keep sighing to yourself while staring into the distance!”

jeonghan pauses in his step, frown on his face. he knew he’d been acting different, but there was no way he was actually doing all the things joshua were saying.

“i have class,” is all he resolves to say, quickly hanging up on his best friend and heading into the lecture hall.

so what if he had a tiny, little harmless crush on choi seungcheol? there was no way he was as obvious about it as his friends made it sound. there just wasn’t. besides, as long as seungcheol himself didn’t know then it was okay, because jeonghan isn’t sure he’d be able to handle the awkwardness that would ensue if seungcheol realised jeonghan was dreaming of whatever their relationship was becoming something real.

  
  
  
❃

 

jeonghan is wiping down the sink in one of the office bathrooms, yellow rubber gloves pulled high on his skinny arms as he mindlessly cleans. he can’t get his conversation with seungcheol from the night before out of his head. it had started normal, both of them idly chatting about the little details of their lives. jeonghan had told seungcheol of the customer at the restaurant that had demanded he explain the intricacies of the menu pricing for twenty minutes before the man would be willing to order, and seungcheol, in turn, had detailed the ruthless lecture his football coach had given him after a particularly terrible practice.

it had all been normal, comfortable, but then seungcheol had said something jeonghan wasn’t expecting.

 

_okay i kno u said u werent ready to meet_  
and i dont mean to seem pushy  
but im so curious about you

 

_you make it sound like i’m someone exciting_

 

_you are someone exciting!!!!_  
especially to me  
i want to know everything about you  
ur favourite songs  
ur favourite foods  
if ur room is messy or neat

 

_you already know all those things_

 

_what your eyes look like in the morning sunlight_

 

_oh_

 

it had made his heart stutter in the most wonderful way, making happiness flood every millimetre of him, from the top of his head to the tips of his toes, and before he knew it he’d spent three minutes giggling to himself. so in an attempt to recover he’d written,

 

_you can’t charm me into revealing my identity_

 

_damn it was worth a shot_

 

the conversation had ended there, seungcheol quickly segueing into talking about a new song his friend jihoon had composed that had turned out particularly well. but seungcheol’s messages had made the gears turn in jeonghan’s head. 

rinsing out his sponge he frowns to himself. seungcheol seemed to want to meet him again, and whether or not that was a good idea, the risk was that it seungcheol thought jeonghan was being strange and elusive, maybe he wouldn’t want to talk anymore. the mere thought makes his heart drop. he needs to give seungcheol something, he realises as he rolls his cleaning cart through the hallway, something that’ll keep him from losing interest or thinking jeonghan is some kind of catfish.

he spends the rest of the day thinking about it, considers sending a selfie of himself, but quickly dismisses it. he didn’t have any selfies, and seungcheol having a photo might make him too easy to find. he weighs the pros and cons of giving his prince his number, but the cons win out by a long shot. seungcheol would be able to find him too easily.

it isn’t until the end of the day, when he’s on his way to the library that he comes up with a plan. it’s not much, but he thinks it might be just enough for someone as competitive as seungcheol.

he rushes into the building, almost missing waving hello to wonwoo in his rush, and when he finally steps out of the elevator, he wastes no time hurrying over to his favourite spot and making his way into seungcheol’s dms.

 

_let’s make a deal_

 

_im intrigued_

 

 he giggles to himself, pleased by seungcheol’s lack of hesitance.

 

_if you can figure out who i am  
then we’ll meet _

 

a part of him tells him it’s not a good idea, that this could only end badly, but another part of him is excited. he knows this will never go anywhere, and seungcheol was soon to tire of him, but maybe this would keep him interested for a little longer. maybe, if seungcheol thought there was a chance of them becoming something real, he’d spare jeonghan just a little more of his time. it’s not fair, jeonghan knows, and he is technically stringing seungcheol along, but it’s not like it really matters. jeonghan was no one important, especially not to seungcheol, and when this ended he’d be the only one hurt, so what did it matter if he delayed the inevitable as long as he could?

 

_hell yeah!!!!  
do i get any clues? _

 

_no_

 

_angel ): < _

 

_you have to work for it_

 

_work for your amusement more like_

 

_if you don’t like the deal we can call it off_

 

_no no!!!_  
i like the deal!!!!  
love the deal!!!  
ill do anything to find you angel i thought i made that clear

 

_i meant what i said yesterday  
you can’t charm me into revealing who i am _

 

_but you are charmed right?_

 

jeonghan can’t keep himself from laughing, a fond smile on his face. seungcheol was cute when he did this, when he seemed so eager for jeonghan’s approval, so he decides to throw him a bone.

 

maybe a little

 

naturally, his admittance causes seungcheol to attempt to outdo his own accomplishments by charming jeonghan even more, his endeavours culminating in a very cheesy, but equally as sweet, poem about jeonghan’s laugh and starry eyes. jeonghan proceeds to copy the poem down into his notebook, unashamedly drawing hearts all around it. this wasn’t real, he has to remind himself, but the reminder rings hollow when he adds another few hearts around seungcheol’s poem.

before he knows it, they've been talking for hours. it’s nothing new, jeonghan forgetting about the time was a normal occurrence at this point, time always seeming to pass much quicker when he chatted with his prince.

he’s about to write out another question, wanting to ask about the newest selfie on seungcheol’s feed, when footsteps echo to the side of him. he looks up, hands instinctively minimising the window on his screen.

“jeonghan-hyung,” it’s wonwoo, glasses askew and eyes tired.”we’re closing.”

“okay,” he says, giving wonwoo an understanding smile.”give me a second.”

wonwoo nods and sits down on the edge of a nearby table, jeonghan making quick work of saying goodbye to seungcheol and closing down the computer, hyper aware of wonwoo’s presence next to him. he had a feeling wonwoo knew schoolwork wasn’t the only thing he did during his long hours at the library, but he was thankful that the younger had yet to question him, even though it must make him curious.

once he’s packed up jeonghan turns to wonwoo, ready to head out, but finds the younger boy with his eyes closed, head hanging against his chest.

“wonwoo,” he whispers carefully, trying to get his attention without startling him too much. jeonghan knew exhaustion like this, when it felt like your eyelids weighed tonnes and your body loathed being awake. it was a kind of torture he wouldn’t wish on anybody.”wonwoo.”

the other startles awake, his eyes struggling to focus on jeonghan while he wakes himself up.

“should we get going?”

wonwoo only nods, one hand rubbing the tiredness from his eyes. jeonghan wants to coo at him, but refrains from doing so. instead, he just heads off toward the waiting elevator, wonwoo shuffling close behind him.

in the elevator, wonwoo starts digging through his backpack, quickly procuring two cans of cola.

it had become a bit of a routine. jeonghan would stay until closing, wonwoo would come and get him, and they’d walk out together, sipping a cola each. jeonghan sometimes felt bad that he was accepting drinks from the younger without giving anything in return, but wonwoo always insisted that having someone to close up with was payment enough. it was such a sweet sentiment jeonghan couldn’t argue, so he simply accepted the soft drinks without protest, making sure to voice his gratitude.

can opened, he looks at wonwoo again. the younger looked thoroughly worn out. 

“you look exhausted.”

“i am.” wonwoo takes a long swig from his can of cola.”i went on a date today.”

“oh?” jeonghan isn’t sure where this conversation is going.

“a sporty date.”

jeonghan’s not going to laugh at the look of misery on wonwoo’s face, he’s not, but he might snort a little when he says, ”that sounds fun.”

“it would have been fun,” wonwoo has murder in his tired eyes.”if my date would have told me we were playing football so i could have prepared.”

jeonghan has to bite his lip to stop himself from giggling at wonwoo’s sullen look. 

“did it not go well?”

“he tackled me, jeonghan.” wonwoo has a look of disbelief on his face, as if even now, hours later, he still can’t believe the nerve of his date.”i don’t think that’s even allowed in football?”

“it’s not,” jeonghan confirms, still trying to hold back his laughter as they exit the elevator.“he seems real romantic.”

“don’t make fun of me,” wonwoo tells him with a laugh, and jeonghan finally lets his own laughter fall freely when wonwoo pulls at his arm indignantly.”i was suffering! and his whole team was there!”

jeonghan’s heartbeat stutters. his throat goes dry.

“his team?” he tries to keep his voice casual, but it comes out strained. wonwoo gives him a look as they walk to the door.

“yeah,” he confirms.”he’s on the university football team.”

jeonghan’s hands go numb where they’re both clutching the aluminium can in his grip. it’s not seungcheol, it couldn’t be. seungcheol would have told him if he went on a date. at least, jeonghan’s pretty sure he would have told him. his gut twists with jealousy at the thought of seungcheol going on a date.

_you really think he’d wait around for you?_ he swallows, trying to ignore his stepmother’s mocking voice in his head.

“what’s his name?”

“kim mingyu,” wonwoo’s eyes go soft behind his glasses, and if jeonghan wasn’t so busy being relieved he’d tease him for it.”he studies media design.”

he tries not to show his relief, holding back the sigh of relief he’d wanted to let out. seungcheol hadn’t gone on a date, he soothes himself by thinking, they still had time left together.

“are you going to see him again?”

“yeah,” wonwoo says, not seeming very pleased about it.”he’s an idiot, but sweet enough to make up for it.”

wonwoo spends their walk out of the building telling jeonghan the intricacies of his date with mingyu and the embarrassment he’d suffered at the hands of the other boy. jeonghan does his best to listen, but something nags at him. what if seungcheol had gone on a date with wonwoo? what would that have meant? they weren’t anything, barely even friends, so jeonghan has no right to feel the stab of jealousy felt at the mere thought of seungcheol seeing someone else. 

  
  
  
❃

 

_angel_  
finally  
ive waited for u all day

 

the messages pop up on his screen, one after the other in quick succession, as soon as jeonghan opens seungcheol’s dms. jeonghan raises an eyebrow at the screen, wondering how on earth seungcheol knew the exact moment he came online.

 

_how did you know i was online so fast?_

 

_like i said  
ive been waiting _

 

jeonghan laughs to himself and rolls his eyes at seungcheol’s antics. he’d never grow tired of how easily seungcheol relayed his feelings, even if it wasn’t immediately obvious. seungcheol had no problem telling jeonghan he’d waited for him all day. he seemed to feel no fear at the thought of showing himself vulnerable, and told jeonghan, in so many words, that talking to him was important to him.

 

_anyway  
i have something important to show you _

 

_oh?  
what is it? _

 

_i got a new car!!!!!!!!!!!!_

 

jeonghan’s eyes widen. throughout their talking, jeonghan had managed to glean that seungcheol and his family were very comfortably middle class, but he hadn’t anticipate them having enough money to get seungcheol a car.

 

_what!?  
wow that’s amazing! _

 

_i know right?  
ill be able to pick you up for our dates in my sweet ride _

 

"dates," he whispers to himself, voice full of wonder. not only did seungcheol want to take him on a date, he wanted dates, plural. it felt unreal, like he must be dreaming. seungcheol was flirty, of course, but jeonghan had rationalised that that must have simply been part of seungcheol’s personality. he shouldn’t get carried away, he knows, seungcheol was most likely just playing around, but it was nice to imagine, to let his mind wander for a bit. seungcheol would be an amazing date, he’s sure.

 

_do you want to see it?_

 

_of course!_

 

_okay give me a sec!_

 

a few seconds later, an image pops up on the screen, and when he sees it, jeonghan can’t stop himself from laughing loudly, because the picture depicts seungcheol sitting on what has to be a toy car for children. his face is serious, the kind of face guys pull when flexing in front of actual cars, and it makes jeonghan both swoon and giggle even harder, his mouth buried in the sleeve of his shirt in an attempt to muffle the noise.

 

_you like my whip baby?_

 

jeonghan pretends he isn't affected by seungcheol calling him baby. pretends his heart doesn't start immediately hammering in his chest and most definitely ignores the way his stomach swoops. for what has to be the millionth time since he started chatting seungcheol, he’s lucky they’re not face to face, because jeonghan’s not sure he’d be able to function if seungcheol called him baby in real life.

 

_it’s gorgeous  
the perfect car for you, really _

 

_knew you’d like it  
btw how was your test _

 

seungcheol quickly segues into a new topic, making jeonghan wrinkle his nose at the thought of today’s test. he hadn’t been studying as well as he usually did this semester. he was still doing very well, but he had to admit he’d blanked on more questions than he was comfortable with.

 

_it went okay  
i think _

 

_im sure you did fine_

 

_i haven’t been studying as much lately  
so things are harder now _

 

_is angel not studying well?  
lucky ur so smart then! _

 

_i can’t help it  
i’d rather talk to you _

 

_asgfhskjdhgfsdjf_  
angel  
you can’t just say that

 

jeonghan bites his thumb, trying to hide a grin. it wasn’t often he let himself be this flirty with seungcheol, but it had happened more and more lately, the rush of pleasant feelings he got whenever seungcheol acted affected by his words too good to pass up on.

his good mood is quickly ruined by a glance at the clock. it was already almost six, meaning he had to leave if he wanted to be on time for his shift at the restaurant.

 

_i’m sorry but i have to go seungcheol  
i have work ): _

 

_aww okay_  
ill miss u angel  
work hard

 

jeonghan sends another goodbye to seungcheol before backing out of his dms, ready to close the window when something catches his eye. seungcheol had published a new post to his instagram feed.

a grin spreads on his face as he clicks his way to the picture, wanting to see it in its full glory.

on the screen is seungcheol’s picture with the car again, this time on his timeline. it has more than two thousand likes, despite being posted within the last hour, but what really catches jeonghan’s eye is the caption. _omw to pick up my angel_. 

when he exits the library, the first thing he does is fish his phone out of his pocket and call joshua, spending his whole commute to work gushing about choi seungcheol and his charming ways.

  
  
❃

 

“i’ve never seen someone who spends as much time in the library as you.” jeonghan jumps in his seat at the voice, hands scrambling to close the window with his and seungcheol’s chat.”not even the medical students study this much.”

“wonwoo,” jeonghan turns around in his seat to look up at the younger, heart beating fast.”how long have you been standing there?”

“not that long,” wonwoo shrugs as he moves to sit down in the seat next to jeonghan.”i have my break now, can i sit with you?”

“yeah, of course,” jeonghan wheezes out, the back of his neck growing hot at the thought of wonwoo catching him talking to seungcheol. he clears out the table space next to him, making room for wonwoo to put his books down. as wonwoo gets seated, jeonghan follows his movements closely out of the corner of his eye, trying to figure out if wonwoo saw anything. if wonwoo saw the name on his screen it would be over, jeonghan knows. few people on campus didn’t know the name choi seungcheol, and considering wonwoo’s relationship with kim mingyu was progressing steadily, there was no chance of wonwoo not putting two and two together.

“what are you working on?” wonwoo asks him once he’s seated, peering curiously at jeonghan’s screen which is suspiciously blank.

“oh, nothing,” he clears his throat, opening the book he’d neglected in favour of chatting to seungcheol.”just an essay.”

wonwoo hums next to him, but doesn’t say anything else, silently getting to work. jeonghan spends the next 45 minutes trying to appear busy, taking haphazard notes for an essay he’d already finished in an attempt to convince wonwoo that that’s all he’d been doing. wonwoo, jeonghan is relieved to note, doesn’t seem to think much of it, only pauses twenty minutes into their studying session to pull two sandwiches out of his bag, handing jeonghan one with a grin.

“this one’s for you, hyung,” he whispers, eyes curved behind his glasses as he watches jeonghan take the offered sandwich.

jeonghan looks down at the hand wrapped sandwich, confused. wonwoo sometimes brought him food, but usually it would be snacks from the library cafe that had grown stale or were soon to expire, these sandwiches looked like they were made with great care by someone who knew what they were doing.

“where did you get this?” he asks, tearing some of the plastic off so he could get to the food. his stomach was growling with hunger, jeonghan having elected to stay at the library to talk to seungcheol instead of going home.

“mingyu made them,” wonwoo’s cheeks are full, making his speech come out muffled, but jeonghan picks up on the happy tone.”i asked him to make an extra for you.”

jeonghan’s heart stutters in his chest, heat forming on his cheeks at the kind gesture.

“that’s so nice,” he mumbles, looking away bashfully.”tell your boyfriend thank you.”

next to him, wonwoo chokes on his food, making jeonghan look up at him.

“not--” wonwoo hisses with an urgency, his ears coloured a deep red.”mingyu’s not my boyfriend.”

a grin spreads on jeonghan’s cheeks.”if you say so.”

“he’s not! we’re just dating!” wonwoo insists, tugging at jeonghan’s arm in insistence. jeonghan gives him a teasing look.”hyung, stop, he’s not my boyfriend.”

“okay, okay, if you say so.” jeonghan concedes, wonwoo finally stopping his tugging.

they go back to studying silently, jeonghan slowly eating his sandwich, relishing in the taste of it. the bread mingyu used was expensive, he could tell, and it makes a thought form in his head.

“though judging by this sandwich mingyu definitely wants to be your boyfriend.”

their studying quickly gets derailed in favour of wonwoo trying to insist mingyu wasn’t his boyfriend while simultaneously telling jeonghan about all the cute couple-y things they’d been doing since they started seeing each other. when his break finishes, wonwoo hurries away, arms full of incomplete schoolwork and ears burning red from jeonghan’s teasing comments, jeonghan laughing quietly watching him go.

  
  
❃

 

he has no right being this surprised when it happens. it was only a matter of time, really, and jeonghan should have seen it coming, especially considering his lousy track record with happiness.

it’s a friday evening, the weather is warm and jeonghan has just finished his coursework for next week, wanting nothing to distract him from his conversation with seungcheol. 

things don’t go as planned, however, because there, on the screen in small, black letters, were two words that cause jeonghan’s whole world to come to a stop.

 

_yoon jeonghan_

 

he looks around himself, feeling exposed and vulnerable, like the whole world is looking at him, mocking him. this wasn’t supposed to happen. seungcheol wasn’t supposed to figure it out. how could he be so stupid? he should have never contacted him. 

it was all going to end now.

_deny, deny, deny_ , the voice screams at him. _if you confess he’ll want nothing to do with you._

his hands shake as he stares at the screen, heart lying somewhere by his feet, leaving a hollow space in his chest, cold and dark.

in a flurry of movement he turns off the computer, scoops up his things and hurries out of the library, head bowed to avoid the looks of people as he speeds past. he faintly hears wonwoo calling his name as he speeds past the desk where he sits, but he doesn’t stop.

he doesn’t have to think of where to go, his body taking him there on autopilot, and jeonghan is grateful because all his attention is on making sure he remembers how to breathe. he enters the building, head still bowed and body shaking even more, maneuvering himself around the people in the lobby and throwing himself into an empty elevator.

the elevator walls feels oppressive around him, making him clutch his backpack close to his chest in an attempt to ground himself. this couldn’t be happening he was such an idiot. how could he have been stupid enough to think that this could last forever?

getting from the elevator to the right door is an arduous affair, his body moving too slow for his panicked thoughts, making the stressful thoughts grow more frantic.

despite his panic, the knock he places on the door is faint, barely audible. nothing happens for a few seconds, and jeonghan is just about to knock again, this time more insistent, when the door opens, revealing joshua, whose face is overtaken with alarm as soon as he sees jeonghan. 

“he knows–” he barely manages to choke out, voice tight as he tries to get his lungs to function. his whole body is shaking and he’s not sure when his heart got back in his chest but it’s there now, pounding loud and painful against his ribcage.

“what are you talking about?” comes joshua’s concerned voice, familiar hands coming up around him, coaxing him through the door and into the room.

“ch– choi se– seungcheol–” he grips onto joshua’s shoulders, desperately trying to ground himself.”he found out.”

he looks up at joshua, eyes wide with panic.”i’m going to die–”

“you’re not going to die, jeonghan.” joshua’s voice is slipping further away, growing foggy and distant.”you’re having a panic attack.”

panic attack. he was having a panic attack. it was just a panic attack. he’d had them before. it was no big deal. he needed to stop overreacting. he needed to calm down. _why couldn’t he just calm down?_

“hyung are you okay?” seokmin’s voice makes him startle, not realising he had been in the room at all. he desperately sucks in a few panicked breaths, turning away from seokmin, not wanting the younger to see him like this.

he’s not sure how long he spends like that, choked up and panting, hot tears streaming down his face, but when he finally calms down he’s on his knees, joshua rocking him back and forth, whispering soft words in his ears, urging him to breathe.

“what am i going to do, joshua?” he chokes out, miserable.”he knows. he _knows_.”

“talk to him, jeonghan.” his best friend urges, still holding him tight.”it’s going to be okay.”

“it’s not going to be okay!” jeonghan insists, breathing picking up again, and he scrambles away from joshua, putting a bit of distance between them.”it’s all over now!”

“jeonghan you need to calm down.” joshua takes his hands, firm grip not letting jeonghan pull away.”let’s sit on the bed, okay?”

jeonghan follows joshua’s lead, sitting down on the edge of his best friend’s bed. joshua leads jeonghan’s hands to rest on his chest, so jeonghan can feel his breathing and follow it.

it takes several long minutes, but eventually jeonghan manages to soothe his breathing and stop his tears. joshua’s eyes are kind but probing, and jeonghan knows what he’s going to ask long before he opens his mouth.

“what happened?”

“i don’t know,” he lifts a hand to his face and wipes his nose.”but he knows my name.”

“you didn’t tell him?” 

jeonghan shakes his head, making joshua hum.

“maybe this is a good thing,” joshua tries, hand stroking up and down jeonghan’s back.”now you can meet again.”

jeonghan can’t help but roll his eyes at joshua’s words.”he’s not going to like what he sees, shua.”

“he’s going to find out i’m a nobody, that i’m nothing,” he can’t stop himself, the words slipping out of his mouth like water through a siv. he gets up from his seat, starts pacing back and forth through the narrow dorm room.”he’s going to realise i’m not funny or handsome, i’m just a pathetic burden and–”

he turns around to face joshua, tears of frustration and hurt in his eyes.”and then he’s going to leave.”

joshua looks at him, eyebrows furrowed and eyes hard with accusation.

“is that what you think of him?”

“what?” 

“you think he’s that shallow? you think he’s the kind of person to abandon you because you’ve had a hard time?”

jeonghan is about to say something, but joshua doesn’t let him.

“first you go around gushing about your conversations, you claim he’s kind and funny and that you love talking to him,”

joshua gets up from his seat, the lines of his body stiff.

“but now you’re sitting here claiming he’ll want nothing to do with you ‘cause you’re not rich or popular or whatever?”

joshua’s voice is hard in a way jeonghan has never heard it before, and the shock of hearing his best friend talk to him with such anger makes jeonghan stumble backwards until he makes contact with the bed and sinks down on it, feeling chastised.

“you’re doing the both of you a disservice by talking like that.”

joshua stomps over to the door, shoves his feet into his shoes and rips the door open. right before he exits he turns around, face screwed up in anger.

“i love you, jeonghan.” he bites out, the words harsh despite their tender meaning.”but you’re being a coward, the only thing standing between you and seungcheol is _you_.”

despite his anger, joshua shuts the door behind him gently, leaving jeonghan on his bed, eyes puffy from crying, and seokmin standing awkwardly in the door to the bathroom, having come out when he heard his boyfriend’s angry tone.

jeonghan’s chest feels strangely numb, a shallow emptiness overcoming him, engulfing his previous distress. joshua had never spoken to him like that before. joshua, always gentle and sweet and careful of crossing jeonghan’s boundaries. joshua, who had held him through countless anxiety attacks, had answered his calls in the middle of the night without fail, had understood and supported him more than anyone.

a few seconds after the door has closed behind joshua seokmin is at his side, gently fussing over his weeping hyung in a way that only he could get away with.

“he’ll be back soon, jeonghannie-hyung,” seokmin reassures and wipes a stray tear from his jawline.”he probably just went out to get food.”

“i’ve never seen him angry before.” jeonghan says, mostly to himself.

“he doesn’t like seeing you hurting,” when jeonghan turns his head he sees seokmin wearing a sad frown.”especially when there’s no reason to.”

jeonghan fiddles with his fingers in his lap, mind so preoccupied with thoughts of joshua’s words that he doesn’t protest when seokmin pushes his head down to rest on his shoulder and wraps his arms around him.

“do you know? about seungcheol?”

“yeah,” seokmin admits softly.”joshua can’t keep secrets from me, you know that.”

seokmin’s words makes him chuckle softly, despite his sadness. 

they stay like that, jeonghan resting against seokmin’s sturdy shoulder, letting himself be held. seokmin rocking them gently back and forth.

true to seokmin’s words, forty-five minutes later joshua returns, bags of food in hand and anger long since gone from his form. he doesn’t speak when he enters, only hands the bags to seokmin and then sits down on the bed next to jeonghan, legs and shoulders brushing. while seokmin sets about eagerly unpacking the food, joshua reaches into jeonghan’s lap and takes a firm hold of his hand.

the touch of his best friend almost makes jeonghan burst back into tears, but he keeps them at bay, instead focusing on clinging to joshua’s hand, letting the contact ground him.

“i love you,” joshua whispers to him.”you’re my best friend.”

“i love you too, shua.” jeonghan chokes out, quickly wiping away the tears threatening to escape at joshua’s soft words.

“i know you don’t think highly of yourself,” joshua’s grip on his hand grows a tad tighter.”but you’re so wonderful to me, to all your friends.”

jeonghan can’t get himself to reply, too scared his voice won’t bare, so he just nods. being loved was such a foreign thing, jeonghan feared he’d never grow used to it.

they eat together mostly in silence, joshua and jeonghan both refusing to let go of their clasped hands. after dinner seokmin pulls out a deck of cards, insisting that they play a few games. time passes quickly as they play, the tension receding within jeonghan with each game they complete. halfway through the third game him and joshua silently band together to make sure seokmin loses every time, the younger never once realising he’s being cheated.

neither seokmin nor joshua question when jeonghan doesn’t leave that night, joshua simply handing him an extra set of pyjamas while seokmin unwraps a new toothbrush for him to use. the two best friends curl up in bed together, facing each other with their hands clasped between them. seokmin is on the other side of the room in his own bed, his soft snores having started almost the second his head hit the pillow. 

“what are you going to do?” joshua whispers into the dark. the question is soft and quiet, and while jeonghan can’t see his face through the dark, he knows his eyebrows are upturned and worried.

“i don’t know.” he hates how small his voice is. hates how fragile and broken he sounds, all over some stupid crush that wasn’t supposed to go anywhere.

“are you in love with him?”

jeonghan snorts at the question, forces out a chuckle to cover up the way his stomach drops at the word love.”you can’t fall in love with someone you’ve only met once.”

“are you in love with him?” joshua repeats.

jeonghan swallows.

“yeah.” he whispers.

 

jeonghan doesn’t leave joshua’s bed the day after. doesn’t answer the calls from the restaurant, accepts the risk of being fired over the possibility of seungcheol somehow having his number, of calling him or texting him to confront him. he figures joshua must have talked to minghao, because he doesn’t hear from his brother all weekend.

he goes home two days later, skips all his monday classes in favour of rushing home to cower on his mattress, shielded from the world by his blanket.

it’s a childish move, and the guilt of running from seungcheol gnaws at him.

but he can’t get his limbs to move.

minghao tries to talk to him, and the worried frown on his face as jeonghan keeps mum just adds to the pile of guilt growing inside of him, but there’s nothing he can do, his body just wouldn’t let him.

why couldn’t he _move_?

_do something_ , the voice taunts him, _stop being so pathetic and do something for once_.

he cowers at home for a week, barely leaving his bed and only eating when minghao’s teary eyes become too much for him to bear. he tells his employers that he’d come down with a case of the flu so bad he hadn’t even been able to call to explain himself, and the only reason he doesn’t lose both his jobs is that he’s never missed a shift before in the two years he’s been working.

he goes back to school after the weekend, moving through campus like a guilty man trying to avoid judgement. he’s hyper aware of the people around him, deathly afraid that he’s going to bump into seungcheol.

he figures out a system. he always sits in the seat closest to the door, and then he leaves class five minutes before it finishes. he uses these five extra minutes to move to the safety of his next class. he lies to his friends and says he’s too busy to meet up for lunch. at first, he still sees them outside of school when he can, but in the end joshua’s disappointed looks become too much, and he withdraws. he stops answering their calls and messages, makes excuses to not meet up, until eventually even minghao catches the hint and stops showing up at his flat on weekends.

the isolation hurts, but it’s the far less terrifying option.

it’s been weeks, and he can’t stop thinking about seungcheol. the other man is all he thinks about. his dreams are nothing but messy, black hair and a smile he’s only been on the other end of once. he thinks he sees him everywhere, hears phantom laughs on his bus ride home, feels the ghost of calloused fingers against his palm. seungcheol occupies his every waking moment and it hurts, deeply.

he misses his friends, and he misses having minghao around, but by the time two weeks have passed, he’s not sure how to approach them again. joshua calls him three times a day, seungkwan four. seokmin texts him a few times each day, telling him about little things and saying that he misses him. even hansol sends a few texts, telling him he hopes he’s doing okay. minghao is the hardest to ignore, his many calls and texts making guilt pool in jeonghan’s stomach. it gets so bad that he ends up taking the battery out of his phone, so he doesn’t have to see it.

joshua, in a move jeonghan should have anticipated, doesn’t let him get away with his avoidance forever. it’s early afternoon at the start of week three of jeonghan’s self-made isolation when he is pulled from his studying by firm knocking on his door, the sudden sound making his throat close up with nerves. he instinctively knows who it is, and he dreads the confrontation, but despite this he doesn’t hesitate when he gets up to open the door. 

hand on the door handle, he takes a deep breath before he opens, seeing just the person he was anticipating on the other side.

“you need to stop avoiding me.” for what might be the first time in their friendship, joshua sounds like he’s mad at him.

“i’m not avoiding you, i’m just busy–”

“fuck off with that, jeonghan.” joshua pushes his way into his flat easily, jeonghan ducking away to avoid his touch as he passes.”i’m your best friend, you need to talk to me.”

“there’s nothing to talk about.” joshua’s lips turn down sharply at jeonghan’s defeated tone.

"he's not going to wait forever, jeonghan."

joshua's words make him pause. for a second, he's sure he must have imagined seeing his friend's lips move, because his words were far too similar to the voice in his head. this time, however, the tone is kind, imploring, none of the cruelty he anticipates with the words present. 

“i don’t know what to do, joshua.” he stumbles forward, burying his face in his best friend’s neck, winding his arms tightly around joshua’s torso, joshua’s arms coming up quickly around him.”i’m so scared.”

“you need to talk to him at some point.” joshua says into his hair. jeonghan gives a noncommittal shrug in response. he knew he should, and a part of him wanted nothing more than to just run to seungcheol and come clean about everything, but a larger part of him was so, so scared of what seungcheol would think of him.

“minghao’s been asking if you’re okay.” jeonghan comes out of hiding to look joshua in the eye.”he’s really worried about you.”

jeonghan closes his eyes, another kilo of guilt weighing him down.

“i’ll talk to him. tonight.” he promises.

“good.”

joshua doesn’t stay for long, only hangs around long enough that he’s able to make sure jeonghan is okay. jeonghan considers calling him out on the way joshua is obviously assessing him, but the attention feels so nice that he can’t get himself to do it. they drink tea and talk about things that have nothing to do with choi seungcheol, and jeonghan finds himself laughing for the first time in weeks. 

he calls minghao as soon as joshua leaves, and with tears in his eyes he asks his brother if he wants to come over.

“i miss you,” he sniffles out, voice small and not fit for a big brother.

“i miss you too, jeonghannie-hyung.” minghao’s voice sounds just as teary, and the thought of making his baby brother cry awakens an overwhelming need to set things right in him.

“bring your laptop,” he says, wiping his eyes.”we’ll watch something.”

“okay, i’ll be there soon.”

minghao makes it to his flat in record time, backpack slung over his shoulder and a bad full of takeout and snacks that jeonghan has no idea how he had the time to acquire in his hand.

over dinner, jeonghan tells minghao everything. it’s a long story, and for most of it jeonghan is too nervous to meet minghao’s gaze, but he also can’t help but gush a bit, shy smile on his face as he tells minghao of his prince.

“so you haven’t talked to him since?” minghao asks once jeonghan is finished, a frown on his face.

“no,” he admits with a sigh, pushing his noodles around with his chopsticks.

“are you going to?”

jeonghan sits, quiet, for a few long seconds.

“i don’t know,” he finally answers, honestly.

minghao nods, eyes understanding, and the next moment he’s up from his chair, eagerly telling jeonghan of a film he wants them to watch together.

jeonghan indulges him without protest, and when minghao predictably falls asleep halfway through the film, he tucks him in easily, a fond look in his eyes as he watches him snore softly.

the next day, jeonghan is in the middle of getting ready for his shift at the restaurant, carefully combing through his hair, when minghao pops his head into the bathroom, innocent brown eyes gazing at him full force, and asks,

“can i move in with you?”

the sudden question makes jeonghan sputter, and he whips around in the little bathroom, comb hanging in his hair, to stare at his little brother.

“what?” 

minghao shrugs nonchalantly, face still holding an innocence that he knew jeonghan found hard to resist.”i like spending time with you, hyung, and i spend a lot of time here, anyway.”

it wasn’t untrue, before jeonghan had started avoiding him, minghao had spent most of his weekends, and sometimes a few weekdays, at jeonghan’s place, despite the long trip, and jeonghan couldn’t say he minded the company. it was nice, coming home from work to find minghao doing his homework at his tiny kitchen table, or practicing his dance moves as best as he could in the little studio, or, perhaps best of all, curled up on the mattress, dead asleep, a serving of rice waiting for jeonghan in the microwave.

but despite how much he enjoyed having his little brother close, fact of the matter was that jeonghan already worked himself almost half to death trying to feed himself, there was no way he’d be able to feed them both while also staying on top of his studies.

“i’m not sure that’s a good idea, minghao,” jeonghan hated disappointing people in general, but something about seeing minghao’s pretty eyes turn downcast with sadness always made him feel particularly bad.”i can barely afford to feed myself, at least at the dorms you get free food.”

“it’s bad food,” minghao sulks.”that’s why it’s ’free’.” he holds up his fingers in little bunny quotes as he speaks.

“besides, i could get a job.”

jeonghan frowns, immediately disliking the idea.”you shouldn’t work while you’re a student, minghao, it’ll distract you from your studies.”

“says you!” minghao looks exasperated, perhaps rightfully so, but fact of the matter was that jeonghan was the big brother, it was his job to look out for minghao, and it was minghao’s job to do as he said, not as he did.

“it’s different for me, minghao,” jeonghan’s voice is coloured by frustration. why couldn’t minghao get it? jeonghan spent every waking moment stressed and nervous about money and food, there was no reason for minghao to live the same way.”i didn’t have a choice.” 

“i’m going to have to get a job whether i live here or not.”

“what are you talking about?”

“mum only paid for one year, remember?” minghao crosses his arms in front of him in what jeonghan assumes is an attempt at looking stern.”i have tuition, but after this year i don’t have any money for living, so i’m working either way.”

jeonghan closes his eyes and rubs his face with his hands.

“the dorms are still more convenient.” he states plainly, fingers now working at his temples.

“yeah, but,” jeonghan feels minghao’s hands in his hair, plucking the comb from where it hangs and gently combing through the brown strands.”if i stay here i’ll pay half the rent, and half the food,”

minghao nudges jeonghan’s shoulders gently, making him turn around to face the mirror. jeonghan meets his brother’s eyes in the mirror.”and you won’t have to work so hard anymore.”

it’s such a sweet statement, said with the kind of love only a little brother like minghao is capable of.

“and i think we have a lot of time to make up for, don’t you?” minghao has a pout on his face, eyes wide and cute.”to be a family?”

“it’s not the best option for you,” jeonghan tries, hoping minghao doesn’t pick up on the way his voice wavers.

minghao shrugs, lovably insolent.”can’t we do this just because it’s something we both want?”

jeonghan closes his eyes and groans, fighting an inner battle. in the end all he says is,

“i’m late for work.”

in the corner of his eye he catches minghao’s triumphant smile, but elects to ignore it in favour of rushing out the door in order to make it to his bus on time.

he spends the whole shift zoning out, mind drifting in thought of what it would be like to live with minghao. it sounded nice, of course, his insides warming pleasantly at minghao’s words. he would readily admit that he wanted them to be a family the way they hadn’t been able to growing up, but that didn’t take away from the fact that it wouldn’t be the best choice for minghao. it was inconveniently located, far from the university and far from the studios minghao used to practice his dancing. so it didn’t really matter how much jeonghan wanted to keep minghao close, he had to make the choice that was best for his brother, even if it wasn’t what either of them wanted.

but at the same time, he can’t help but think to himself, wouldn’t it be better for minghao to live with someone who could take care of him? jeonghan could make sure minghao went to bed at appropriate times, could make him breakfast and help him take the first steps into adulthood. any other roommate wouldn’t take care of minghao the way jeonghan would.

_can’t we do this just because it’s something we both want?_

jeonghan snorts at the memory of minghao’s words, causing one of his coworkers to give him a strange look. jeonghan never did anything just because he wanted to. everything he did came with tedious calculations of pros and cons, there was no _just because i want to_. the only thing he could remember doing simply because he’d wanted to was contacting seungcheol. 

that thought makes him pause.

it doesn’t sit well with him, the knowledge that talking to seungcheol is the only thing he’s done for himself in so long. his heart throbs in his chest. he wants to ask seungcheol for advice on what to do, even though he knows exactly what he’d say.

seungcheol would tell him to let minghao move in, to cherish the fact that his brother wanted them to be a family. then he’d probably say something about him feeling better knowing jeonghan didn’t live by himself, so he’d be safer. he smiles to himself, seungcheol was too sweet.

he’s made up his mind, he realises while wiping down the tables for closing, so when he’s finally home and slipping under the duvet, minghao curling up close to him, he strokes his brother’s hair gently for a few seconds. minghao hums appreciatively at the contact.

“it’s going to annoy you living this cramped.” he whispers in a last ditch attempt at deterring minghao.

minghao does his best to hide a pleased smile, but jeonghan catches it, clear as day, and something like fondness grows in his chest.

“the dorm is cramped too,” the younger whispers to him, slipping an arm around his ribcage.”at least here i’ll like my roomie.”

“it’s really far from uni.”

“it’s okay,” minghao insists through a yawn, snuggling closer to his brother.”living with family is worth it.”

jeonghan pulls minghao closer and falls asleep with a smile on his lips. it felt right, having minghao close. they were family, and that was more important than minghao living within walking distance to the library. and, sometimes, he thinks with a swallow, it was okay to do things simply because you wanted to.

he’s made up his mind, about far more than moving in with minghao.

  
  
❃

 

despite the fear, despite the way his body trembles at the thought of rejection and shame and regret, jeonghan returns.

his hands shake the whole way into the library, body moving on its own accord up to his usual floor, to his usual computer.

he wants this. he wants seungcheol. and no matter the fear that had made itself a home in his heart, he needed to stop running from things that scared him, because it wasn’t fair to those who got caught in his feelings. 

sitting down on the chair and booting the computer up is a familiar routine, his hands moving at a leisurely pace, despite their shaking. there’s a heavy clump in his stomach, some kind of strange mix of hope, dread and regret crowding his insides, leaving no room for anything else.

he’s made his way into seungcheol’s dms faster than he realises, because all of a sudden it’s there, right in front of him, the two words that caused so much turmoil. he hadn’t realised it when he first saw it that seungcheol had written something right after his name, but reading it now, he almost wants to start crying again.

 

_yoon jeonghan  
i cant believe i found you _

 

after that fateful message from a week ago, others had followed. every couple of days seungcheol had sent another, and jeonghan could sense his growing worry at the lack of response. it makes the guilt flare up again, weighing even heavier on his heart.

 

_angel?_

 

_are you okay?_

 

_we dont have to meet if you don’t want to_  
we can just talk like this  
i just want you to be happy jeonghan

 

_jeonghan?  
please dont ignore me _

 

the latest message is from the night before, at three in the morning, and reading it makes jeonghan’s stomach clench painfully.

 

_fuck im so sorry angel  
i ruined everything _

 

how could he do this to seungcheol? seungcheol, who had been nothing but kind and understanding, didn’t deserve to be treated like this. 

jeonghan takes a deep breath. then another one. on his third breath, he puts his hands on the keyboard and writes something. something honest and upfront. he decides to take the leap, the same way he had all those months ago when their talking started.

 

_i want to meet you  
so much _

 

seungcheol, of course, takes less than ten seconds to respond, and jeonghan is grateful for it. he had no time to second guess himself now.

 

_angel?  
are you okay? _

 

_i’m fine  
i’m sorry for disappearing _

 

_god im glad ur okay  
ive been so worried something happened to you _

 

the guilt pools heavier in his stomach. even now, after jeonghan had clearly been ignoring him, seungcheol just wanted to know if he was okay. the messages from seungcheol keep pouring in, asking him what happened, if he’ll forgive him, if he needs anything, and as he watches seungcheol’s words he decides to be honest with his prince, decides to lay all cards on the table for the first time since they met.

 

_i think i’m in love with you_

 

jeonghan watches, breath caught in his throat, as the familiar three little dots appear at the bottom of the screen. he waits, body tingling in anticipation, eyes trained on the faithfully flashing dots. 

time drags on, and by this point jeonghan thinks seungcheol must be writing an essay, because it’s been almost five minutes and the dots are still flashing. 

suddenly the dots disappear, but the message jeonghan is anticipating doesn’t appear. things are still for a few seconds, and then the dots appear again. jeonghan stares, insides surprisingly calm, even as time drags on without a response from his prince. the dots disappear and appear a few more times as he waits, but when seungcheol’s message finally pops up on his screen, it’s not at all what he’d anticipated.

 

_wanna play football?_

 

jeonghan can’t help but letting out a laugh at the question. he’s not sure what it means, but it doesn’t feel like rejection and that’s all he cares about at the moment.

 

_now?_

 

_yeah  
i can be on the campus field in 30 _

 

_it’s almost midnight_

 

_nothing more romantic than midnight sports jeonghannie_

 

jeonghan’s stomach flutters twice, first at the proposition of romance, then at the nickname. he’d worried seungcheol would be mad at him, that he’d never want to talk to him again after he’d disappeared the way he did. he had, of course, worried over nothing.

 

_okay_

 

he makes a move to shut the window so he can leave, but he stops in his tracks. he needs one last reassurance.

 

_you promise you’ll be there?_

 

_i promise angel_

 

_okay  
see you in a bit i guess? _

 

_i cant wait_

  
  
  
❃

 

he sees seungcheol as soon as he steps on the field, the big spotlight by the side of the football field showering them in a harsh light, long shadows stretching across the green of the field. 

jeonghan’s stomach is crowded with butterflies, his skin tingling with excitement. it felt good. he was nervous, and a little scared, but mostly just happy. seungcheol was kind, and funny, and caring. jeonghan wanted to be with him, even if it was unfamiliar and daunting. if seungcheol would have him, of course.

despite his excitement, he stops to stand by the edge of the field, taking in the silhouette of his prince in front of him.

suddenly, seungcheol drops something to the ground and kicks it over in jeonghan’s direction.

as the object comes closer, jeonghan realises it’s a football. the black and white ball rolls in a perfectly straight line and stops a couple metres in front of his feet.

he laughs and runs up to kick it back. it’s not a perfect shot, he hadn’t played in years, after all, the ball veering off to the side of seungcheol, rolling past him and to the middle of the field. seungcheol makes no move to run for it, though, instead he digs something out of his pocket and holds it up in the air.

“i think i have something of yours!” he calls across the field.

jeonghan takes off in a run without thinking, hurrying across the grass as fast as he can. he stops a few metres in front of seungcheol, eyes drinking in the sight of him this close. his hair is longer than it had been on new year’s eve, hanging down on his forehead

“hi.” he says awkwardly after many long seconds, hoping against all hope that his staring hadn’t been too blatant.

“hi.” seungcheol offers in return, hand holding out something between them. jeonghan takes the offered object with hesitant hands. 

he looks down at the music device resting in his hands, fingers running over the familiar metal. he’d almost forgotten about it, his thoughts so far from the little music device that it had slipped to the back of his mind. it was funny, how such a little thing could sit at the centre of so much turmoil. he swallows, gripping the ipod in his hands. there was something he needed to say.

“i owe you an apology,” he looks up at the face of choi seungcheol in front of him, heart pounding in his chest, still disbelieving that all of this was real.

“you don’t have to apologise–”

“i do,” he feels bad about interrupting, but he needs to get the words out before the nerves get the best of him.”i wasn’t honest with you, i was scared so i hid who i was from you.”

he desperately wants to look away from seungcheol, wants to avert his eyes so he can’t see the shame in jeonghan’s eyes, but he doesn’t. it takes more strength than he thought himself capable of, but he doesn’t look away, he lets seungcheol see him, even like this.

“i was so scared of being hurt that i didn’t give you a fair chance.” 

“it’s really okay, i was just happy to get to talk to you.”

“it’s not okay. i shied away from you, assuming you would hurt me, even when you’d done nothing to deserve my suspicion.” he’d been so scared of getting hurt that he’d unknowingly painted seungcheol up to be something he wasn’t, someone shallow and judging, someone capable of hurting jeonghan given the slightest chance.

 he’d acted as if seungcheol was out to harm him. so scared was he that seungcheol would judge him, that he didn’t realise he was the one to judge seungcheol.

“i wanted to be close to you, wanted your attention and your affection,” he licks his lips, trying to get everything he wants to say across.“but i didn’t want to give you the same in return, because i was scared you wouldn’t want me.”

seungcheol smiles at him, the same soft smile he’d given him on new year’s eve, all those months ago, and jeonghan’s insides light up with warmth.

”i don’t think it’s me you need to apologise to.”

 jeonghan’s got his mouth open, ready to protest, when the realisation hits him.”oh.”

 seungcheol laughs at his expression, affection in his eyes.

“you don’t owe me anything, jeonghan.” seungcheol’s whisper is soft, voice full of so much adoration jeonghan feels small.

“no, but i–” jeonghan breaks off, swallows once, twice, a realisation that was such a long time coming resting on his lips.”i owe myself this. being honest, vulnerable, even if it’s scary.”

“now that’s something we can both agree on.” seungcheol stays quiet for a few seconds, something knowing in his eyes as he looks at jeonghan. jeonghan smiles, a little embarrassed, a lot happy. it felt good to be here, with seungcheol in front of him after so long. he regretted that it had taken him months to get to this point, to muster up the courage to face seungcheol as himself, but he was here now, ready and willing.

“how did you figure out who i was?”

seungcheol gives a shy smile, hand coming up to rub the back of his neck. jeonghan pretends he doesn’t notice the way his bicep flexes at the motion, not wanting to ruin such a soft moment.“one of my closest friends started dating one of the librarians a couple of weeks ago, he saw my name on your screen in the library.”

when seungcheol says it, jeonghan isn’t very surprised. he’d worried seungkwan would be the one to figure it out, but it made sense for wonwoo to be the one to put two and two together.

he narrows his eyes playfully.”jeon wonwoo, that traitor.”

“don’t be too hard on him, he didn’t realise.”

jeonghan schools his face into a mask of anger, eyebrows furrowed and nose scrunched in fury.

“he will know my wrath.” he says, lowering his voice and adding what he hopes is a demonic tinge to it. to his great pleasure, seungcheol cracks up, pretty eyes curving as he giggles. seeing seungcheol laugh, jeonghan can’t keep his own laughter contained, breaking out in loud, unashamed cackles.

when they both calm down from their laughing, seungcheol’s eyes have gone soft. 

“i knew i’d seen you before,” comes his quiet voice.”i ran into you in the cafeteria.”

jeonghan chuckles at the memory. it seems like a lifetime ago, when seungcheol had ran into him and pushed him to the ground.”knocked me off my feet, prince.”

seungcheol smiles, small and happy.

“i wanted to ask you out,” the dark haired man licks his lips.”but you ran off before i could.”

jeonghan raises one disbelieving eyebrow, but doesn’t say anything, waits for seungcheol to speak.

“i kept trying to find you.”

jeonghan finally breaks their eye contact, the intensity of seungcheol’s gaze making his skin heat up, one hand coming up to rub at his warming cheeks.

“guess i’m just meant to be searching for you, huh?”

jeonghan forces his gaze up again, does his best to speak with conviction.”not anymore.”

his hands are shaking, and his heart is pounding so loudly in his chest he’s sure seungcheol must be able to hear it, but he makes his legs move. takes the last few steps to close the gap between them.

“i’m done hiding.” he drops the ipod by their feet and raises his hands to cup seungcheol’s face. his touch is light, the slightest hint of hesitation still present in his movement, waiting for seungcheol to either move closer or pull away. when seungcheol meets him halfway, warm hands settling on his waist and forehead resting against jeonghan’s, his heart does somersaults in his chest.

jeonghan is the one to press their lips together. a slight head tilt, a gentle pull to bring seungcheol even closer, and then heart shaped lips connect with plush ones. the kiss is chaste, nothing but a light press of their mouths together, but jeonghan swears he can feel every millimetre of his body tingle.

as far as first kisses go, jeonghan figures he can’t complain. he’d imagined this moment countless of times. had wondered what it would feel like to press his lips against another’s in such an intimate expression of emotion. had spent hours anxiously worrying over not being a good kisser. had gotten caught up in questions about technique, about the proper use of tongue and teeth and lips and had, at some point as the years went on and he stayed painfully unkissed, resigned himself to the fact that he’d never be worthy of it.

but now, with his lips carefully following seungcheol’s lead, he finds his mind so blissfully blank. 

kissing seungcheol felt like second nature, like something he was supposed to have been doing forever, and despite spending the kiss carefully following seungcheol’s rhythm, doing his best to copy the movement of seungcheol’s lips, he felt no pressure. only an excited tingle of nerves in the tips of his fingers and a gentle flutter of butterflies in his chest.

he commits it all to his memory, carefully logs each detail of this kiss, tucks it into the deepest part of his heart where only his most precious memories are kept. seungcheol’s arms winding warm and tight around him. the awkward clash of their teeth when they can’t keep their giggles contained. jeonghan’s fingers, finally, finally getting to tangle in seungcheol’s thick, dark hair. jeonghan is determined to never forget any of it.

seungcheol’s lips are warm and soft, and jeonghan can feel himself becoming addicted to the sensation, seungcheol’s quiet, encouraging hums only serving to further his obsession. how had he survived for so long without being kissed by seungcheol?

when they break their kiss it’s with great reluctance, jeonghan tightening his hold on seungcheol’s hair to stop him from leaning too far away. jeonghan finds himself panting slightly, so caught up in the kiss he had forgotten to breathe. seungcheol rubs their noses together.

“it’s nice to finally meet you, yoon jeonghan.” his prince whispers against his lips.

 

❃

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cant believe i actually managed to finish this fic. it's not perfect, i know, and i have a lot of things to improve on in my writing, but i gotta say im quite proud for getting this far!
> 
> special thanks to lauren for encouraging me and always being willing to talk about jeongcheol with me!!!!! her friendship makes writing so much more fun ♡♡
> 
> come chat with me on twt if u want @jeonghannieya ♡♡♡

**Author's Note:**

> is it a jc fic if jh doesn't suffer, discuss
> 
> come cry abt jc with me  
> [twt](https://twitter.com/jeonghannieya)  
> (constructive criticism is sooooo welcome and appreciated i need to improve goddamnit)


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